An Apology

Something unexpected happened this week. Although sick, tired, and often complaining more than I should I somehow managed to surpass what could have quickly become one of the worst weeks of my life. Just one week ago I was upset and weak, I lost someone last week. Someone that well at some point in my life meant something but now, looking back it wasn't that bad. I have found that it wasn't meant to be and I could have probably figured that out earlier with all the signs saying, "do not enter", "dead end", "stop", "proceed with caution" but I see those signs and I often give them the middle finger because well, I'm Ximena. I like to take risks and often I'm looking for love or like in all in the wrong places. C'est la vie.

One of the most unexpected turn of events this week wasn't that I was that heartbroken. It wasn't that I was resilient. Maybe one of the things that bothered me this week was my persistence with this person, I was stubborn when I knew it was over. I wanted the final word and I wanted that apology. Instead, the apology came from a very inexplicable source. It didn't come from the person I wrote that very long post for but instead it came from someone that I have probably mentioned more times in this blog than I should. This person made me feel inexplicably weak for many months last year and I even decided to cut them out of my life for good. Yet, the person I am can't cut people out of her life for some reason (although I did cut a person out last week), but for some reason I wanted to reach out to this particular person. I didn't need the apology. I wasn't expecting the apology. But maybe because I wasn't expecting it and perhaps maybe because I didn't need it, I had reached a place of comfort with this person again, his apology meant something more than just a vague "I'm sorry".

A part of me really didn't want to hear this person apologize to me, maybe because I thought I had been dramatic or it was all in my head. The apology was a slap of reality that I didn't think I deserved. I know I don't need to thank this person for apologizing. I deserved that apology. Its made me a little more complete. Sometimes you don't know how much person can take from you after your done.

When you break up with a person you sometimes take books, cds, t-shirts, etc. as little souvenirs, a reminder you were with that person. I think people take much more than that, they can often take your dignity, pride, self worth, confidence and it takes a long time to get all those things back. This week I got some of that back because of that apology. Perhaps that's why I stopped texting, calling, emailing, I wanted to keep my dignity, pride, self-worth, confidence intact. It'll be sometime until someone can take that away from me again.

I don't want you to be a sentence, I'd prefer a chapter

Its taken me long enough to write again. I'm not sure how to approach things right now. I am in the middle of a situation that I knew how to avoid and somehow the only word that comes to mind is how I "sabotaged" this. Everyone is saying Ximena "don't be to hard on yourself", "Let things take their course" and every other cliche in the book. I know I made a mistake.

So here it goes:

We all know that I want to be that girl that meets boy, boy falls for girl and we live a happy easy life but those are not the cards I get dealt. I live a life where everything is a little more complicated. Everything comes with a compromise and everything has a story.
I said this year would be the year I would take more risks. This would be the year that I would let more people in. I would also be less scared and let more things go. It was shaping out to be a great year just like 2010 was shaping out to be a great year but somewhere around week 3 I realize I have the ability to fuck things up. I don't think I do it on purpose but I get scared and loose all normal inhibitions and start to sabotage anything that is going well.

I don't regret too much in my life. I don't want this person to be someone I regret adding back in my life. Actually I take that back. I don't regret having this person in my life. I would regret to end things the way they seem to have ended. Instead of my ability to write a chapter about this person it seems that every time I start anything with you I can only write a sentence and then blank page appears. You disappear, you fall off the face of the earth, you run, you hide and it ends. I want you to face me and talk about things that happened. I want us to be friends. I want this to work out as much as we probably think it won't.

Ha! I'm going to do something I hardly ever do on my blog but I am going to apologize. I freaked out. I got scared and tried to get you out of my life the only way I know how. I succeeded. Yet another part of me says that you haven't handled things correctly. I know you said we weren't going to fight but I'm not here to fight. I would like to hear your sentiments, even if they're "we're not going to work out". I need closure. I'm not sure if you will A. ever read this or B. actually do me the favor of talking things out with me but I think I actually deserve this. Again this is a half-hearted apology but I am doing the only thing I know I do well.

This isn't a sign of desperation and I'll let things be but for some reason I don't think things are over. Just like I didn't think things were over between us 3 years ago.

I know people are going to read this and be confused as to what has happened to my blog. People are going to say where is the advice, the rant, the lesson learned. The advice is people need to speak whats on their mind, the rant is the very long apology and the lesson is quite not learned yet but I hope its that you aren't just a sentence in what is suppose to be a chapter.

Missed Connections or Downfall #2

I am sucker for Craigslist "missed connections." When you live in a city with millions of people you realize all the opportunities you might have missed and as cheesy and absurd as this sounds I think its nice that there is a forum where you can post something letting that other person know you wanted to reach out but didn't.
How many times in life do you go without doing that? Thousands.
Here's my point of another Downfall of womankind: We all love this romantic bullshit built into our head. That ever so faithful day that some guy is going to sweep us off our feet and we're going to just swoon and there will be dandelions and daisies and unicorns and even the most sensible of girls believe this crap. Yes, even me the killer of romance, thinks one day her prince will come thanks to Walt Disney and all those fairy tales I got read to as a child. Thanks! Realistically speaking it might happen. I know that I've had romantic gestures happen to me and you know instead of embracing them or treasuring them I ran from them. I got scared this kind of stuff just doesn't happen to me. It happens to Molly Ringwald in Sixteen Candles or Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman but it wouldn't happen to Ellen Page she gets pregnant and for some reason ends up weirdly with Michael Cera at the end of that movie. More importantly a missed connection would be like finding a pin in haystack. Hard to impossible to find but I still think that maybe just maybe you made can make an impression on someone and their perception of you might change in the long run. Maybe its the fact that you have been through hell and back, that right now in your life you are at crossroads, maybe the girl you once were is still around but she grew up a little, all these things can really change a person for the better or for the worse. I feel that I am living a missed connection. While I have missed the boat with other grand romantic gestures like the guy who took me to prom when I was going to go stag and showed up at my door with a matching corsage. Or the guy that ran a couple blocks because he wanted to just kiss me before he left. Or even the guy that took too many cabs one night because I wanted him to come and pick me up from a party. While all those are grand romantic gestures, I never swooned. I am waiting for the "missed connections", I think I'll know when I find it.
I might be the one girl who yes besides all the crazy antics of overthinking and romanticising can be realistic enough to know who the right guy is missed connection or not.

Downfall #1

I can be the first to admit girls have many downfalls but one of them is the fact we over analyze everything. Which often makes things overly complicated and worse we freak out the opposite sex. The ability to keep things simple isn't in our nature thus the elaborate routine of getting ready and all the other mundane things girls do. You are probably reading this as a girl and scoffing, "Pfft..I don't do that. I don't read into signs and try to decipherer the Da Vinci code that is Man."But you are wrong, yes even me, especially me is a magnet to over complicating things.

Get me in a room with guys and I will drink whiskey and drink beer and talk about hook ups, simply being one of the guys. Get me a room with women and I will fill their minds with mindless romantic stories, criticizing my ex-boyfriends antics, but more trying to read into something that isn't probably there about my latest crush. The amount of time I spend talking to my girlfriends about a simple matter and the amount of time I think "what did that smile mean? why did this happen? why did he say this?" I think by now I could have discovered the cure for cancer, ok maybe not but I shouldn't spend so much thinking about this stuff.
Its kind of how I feel about this blog its when I write whatever is in my heart that's when its better, funnier, real. I guess when I don't take it too seriously things seem to just work out. I know I am better when I'm not super rehearsed, when I just say whatever I am thinking, when I'm not censored, mostly when I don't give a fuck. So thinking to myself "what did he mean when he said this?" over complicates things at this point in my life I'm A. too tired to really dig deep into it and B. I don't give a shit why he said or what he thinks C. mostly I am going to act how ever the fuck I please and I'm really unapologetic about anything and everything.

So even though I don't believe in resolutions because they're mostly about taking things drastically out of proportion and they all go awry I will say that this year I will try my hardest to stop over thinking things and just do them. I will not be circling issues. I will not be taking every part of a conversation and over analyzing it. I will take things as they, as they come and I will show a little confidence. Cockiness even. My 'fuck it' attitude is back in place.