An Apology

Something unexpected happened this week. Although sick, tired, and often complaining more than I should I somehow managed to surpass what could have quickly become one of the worst weeks of my life. Just one week ago I was upset and weak, I lost someone last week. Someone that well at some point in my life meant something but now, looking back it wasn't that bad. I have found that it wasn't meant to be and I could have probably figured that out earlier with all the signs saying, "do not enter", "dead end", "stop", "proceed with caution" but I see those signs and I often give them the middle finger because well, I'm Ximena. I like to take risks and often I'm looking for love or like in all in the wrong places. C'est la vie.

One of the most unexpected turn of events this week wasn't that I was that heartbroken. It wasn't that I was resilient. Maybe one of the things that bothered me this week was my persistence with this person, I was stubborn when I knew it was over. I wanted the final word and I wanted that apology. Instead, the apology came from a very inexplicable source. It didn't come from the person I wrote that very long post for but instead it came from someone that I have probably mentioned more times in this blog than I should. This person made me feel inexplicably weak for many months last year and I even decided to cut them out of my life for good. Yet, the person I am can't cut people out of her life for some reason (although I did cut a person out last week), but for some reason I wanted to reach out to this particular person. I didn't need the apology. I wasn't expecting the apology. But maybe because I wasn't expecting it and perhaps maybe because I didn't need it, I had reached a place of comfort with this person again, his apology meant something more than just a vague "I'm sorry".

A part of me really didn't want to hear this person apologize to me, maybe because I thought I had been dramatic or it was all in my head. The apology was a slap of reality that I didn't think I deserved. I know I don't need to thank this person for apologizing. I deserved that apology. Its made me a little more complete. Sometimes you don't know how much person can take from you after your done.

When you break up with a person you sometimes take books, cds, t-shirts, etc. as little souvenirs, a reminder you were with that person. I think people take much more than that, they can often take your dignity, pride, self worth, confidence and it takes a long time to get all those things back. This week I got some of that back because of that apology. Perhaps that's why I stopped texting, calling, emailing, I wanted to keep my dignity, pride, self-worth, confidence intact. It'll be sometime until someone can take that away from me again.