A list of my favorite things.

Robots and Dinosaurs.

Animal Crackers

Big Yellow Blanket

Tree Houses and starry nights.

Running barefoot on cold dew grass on a warm night

Sweatshirts that have your mold

A blue Sesame Street lunch box

Lightening storms

Roller coasters

Parks.

Climbing trees

Green Eggs and Ham

Going really high on a swing

Dipping your feet in a cold stream of water while drinking lemonade on a hot day.

Hugs that come out of nowhere

Eeyore or Burri for everyone who knows what I'm talking about

The Brave Little Toaster

The Giving Tree

Love You Forever

Strawberry tea

Walking into a house that smells like food

Old friends

Our boxes of pictures

Rain hitting the window while i sleep

Waking up to pancakes and my mom singing

Family

13 Messages

13 messages.

not 1 or 2...13 messages.

13 messages that weren't erased. 13 messages that were left in my inbox. No, they were not left in a single day. They weren't left in a weekend. They were left through a decent amount of time but 13 messages I could not erase. 13 messages that still haunt me, no, taunt me is a better word. 13 messages that I listened to that made me laugh, made me reminisce, made me miss you when in fact lately I haven't.

13 messages...

What am I suppose to do?

Why does it move me so much still?

Is it because I'm lonely?

Is it because I still care?

13 messages...

I should erase.

I should delete.

I should not have.

I should not listen to.

but I did.

13 messages...

I can't delete.

I can't erase.

I can't because its the only thing I can hold on to right now.

13 messages...

That remind me you don't call as frequently as you used to.

That remind me of how much you once cared but you don't anymore.

That remind me of a time in my life I can say I was honestly happy.

That remind me that I didn't have to pretend to be someone else.

13 messages...

Frustration

Sadness

Remorse

Anger

Pity

Loss

joy

completeness

Frustration

Sadness

Remorse

Anger

Pity

Loss

13 messages...

Dear Friend

Dear Friend,

There are many things I would love to say to you but I can't. There are so many stories and anecdotes I'd like to share but you don't want to hear. Sometimes I feel I have to be protective of you because I feel you are naive. I really do appreciate your friendship and at times its been hard. I'm not the easiest person in the world to be friends with but I try hard to be a good friend. I am loyal to a fault, I don't hold grudges not matter how bad the argument, and whenever you need me I'll be there.

I'm angry at not only the decisions you have made but your backseat approach to things. I'm disappointed at your anger being directed towards me who perhaps I haven't been the most approachable and supportive person through this but I have been there for you.

Yes, this is your problem. Yes, this is your mistake. Yes, these are things I encourage because I do think its important to make mistakes and live with them and learn from them. Yes, this is something that happened between two people and a third party should not be involved.

I tend to not apologize for things I have said. I am not one to take words back because in retrospect you will see they weren't harsh, the things said were true. But if you need an apology I will only do this once because I care. I hate to admit it but I do. I care about your well being and your mental health. I care that you have a people that will always be there for you. I don't see things eye to eye with you right now and that frustrates me, which includes harsh criticism. I'm sorry for things that were out of line but I do not apologize for my opinion on the matter.

I don't want you to think because I apologized you have to accept right away. You may not think this acceptable and that is more than fine. Take your time, analyze the situation, and again learn from it. Like I said all things small and big are lessons learned. They're not mistakes they're choice you made and things you have to deal with.

Life isn't easy. Happiness doesn't come easy. Friendships, relationships, etc. are not easy. To have a great relationship you must work on it. To have a great life you must work on it. To figure yourself out, you have to make choices and learn from them.

I'm sorry I judged you harshly.

I'm frustrated. I'm upset. I'm irrational.

Take for what its worth. I'll be here if you need me.

Your friend,

Ximena

Yet another blog about the same crap...

I've come to wonder when did I start becoming such a sap. I think there was a time in my life where I found things other than relationships more important. I remember thinking about my career, my future, my friends as the top of my list. Now they seem to be no where to be found and there is this obsession with relating to someone, finding some common ground, sharing experiences, communicating, loving, etc. It used to not be important. It used to not be a big deal. I used to not think of this excessively. What happened?

I've always been the girl people can relate to. I'm funny, easy going, and don't care too much what people think. I don't have a filter. These days I don't feel like myself that much and I feel I'm becoming a person I don't want to be. I remember a time where I loved to just have fun. Yeah, girls love attention and love attention from a guy. Yes, we're attention whores and I hope everyone agrees. We liked to be recognized and held on the highest of pedestals. We liked to be courted, we like guys to flirt with us and compliment us. We love every little bit of that attention even if its coming from an unwanted source.

Lately it hasn't been that easy. I mean I get complimented and oogled or whatever the case but its been hard to find a person that actually likes me. I feel I have maybe developed a front of not wanting to get involved. I feel every time I get involved with someone I get destroyed and I don't want to get hurt anymore. That's all. Well, that and the fact that getting a response from a guy is impossible. I have to call them. I have to track them down. I have do work. When did this change? I mean before I was the one getting calls, texts, emails, etc and now I'm the one putting in all this effort for what? For a night of lets kiss on the couch or half ass date.

Where have all the good guys gone? Where are the guys who want to call me during their lunch break? Where are the guys who want to call me to say goodnight? Where are the guys who don't mind playing video games with me?

I want to feel what I've felt in the past. I want to replicate it. I want that feeling back. As for now I will put up my front of not caring enough to make any quasi relationship not work I will pretend it means more than it does. I will also continue to focus on how I have failed at every relationship I have ever been in.

Something has to change. Maybe instead of looking for what I should be replacing I should look to see what I'm missing and prioritize things. Or maybe...I'll just continue as things are and blogging.

Facebook: A love-hate affair

Sometimes I sit and I realize the number of hours spent on Facebook. I get up and I get ready, eat breakfast, and go to class, I get bored in class I log into Facebook. I'm at work, its slow I have no one to talk to I go on Facebook. I'm again in class bored, back on Facebook. I get a text or an update on my phone that someone wrote something on my wall I log into Facebook.

Facebook. Facebook. Facebook. What would I be doing if you weren't around to suck the rest of my life with dumb status updates, pictures, relationships statuses and more. I sometimes wonder if you work for me or against me? As of lately I call it my creeping activity. I get so bored I check up on old flames, old friends, and my favorite activity of the week defriending, its the ultimate power on Facebook. The tragedy with all this is yes, Facebook lets you know how you're friends are doing and reconnecting with old ones you haven't spoken to in awhile but Facebook has become an obsession. I don't think its healthy to "creep" on crushes and see if anyone has written on their wall. I don't think its healthy to post all the pictures of that one party you went to last week. As I don't think its important to put personal information, relationship status, and pertain to updates we don't care what you are doing for the rest of the day so please don't tell me that "So and So is working out, getting coffee, getting ready, going to school, going to work, oh boy its going to be a hard day" because frankly I don't give a fuck. I also don't care how much you love your partner and you don't need to be broadcasting it on Facebook because honestly no one cares you miss someone you just saw 5 minutes ago and that you care for them with all your heart. Its bullshit. Yes, Facebook has now set up privacy settings, has found away to eliminate things like peoples updates you don't want to read but I don't have the time to customize every single person.

I'm tired of being a Facebook stalker.

I'm tired of status updates showing me peoples ignorant views.

I'm tired of creepy friend requests.

I'm really tired of spam notifications.

I'm tired of new layouts.

I'm tired of how everything is broadcast over Facebook.

I'm tired of Facebook.

The funny thing is as much as I hate it, I love it. I love that I'm going to post this blog and people will comment. Yet another love/hate relationship in my life.