I've come to wonder when did I start becoming such a sap. I think there was a time in my life where I found things other than relationships more important. I remember thinking about my career, my future, my friends as the top of my list. Now they seem to be no where to be found and there is this obsession with relating to someone, finding some common ground, sharing experiences, communicating, loving, etc. It used to not be important. It used to not be a big deal. I used to not think of this excessively. What happened?
I've always been the girl people can relate to. I'm funny, easy going, and don't care too much what people think. I don't have a filter. These days I don't feel like myself that much and I feel I'm becoming a person I don't want to be. I remember a time where I loved to just have fun. Yeah, girls love attention and love attention from a guy. Yes, we're attention whores and I hope everyone agrees. We liked to be recognized and held on the highest of pedestals. We liked to be courted, we like guys to flirt with us and compliment us. We love every little bit of that attention even if its coming from an unwanted source.
Lately it hasn't been that easy. I mean I get complimented and oogled or whatever the case but its been hard to find a person that actually likes me. I feel I have maybe developed a front of not wanting to get involved. I feel every time I get involved with someone I get destroyed and I don't want to get hurt anymore. That's all. Well, that and the fact that getting a response from a guy is impossible. I have to call them. I have to track them down. I have do work. When did this change? I mean before I was the one getting calls, texts, emails, etc and now I'm the one putting in all this effort for what? For a night of lets kiss on the couch or half ass date.
Where have all the good guys gone? Where are the guys who want to call me during their lunch break? Where are the guys who want to call me to say goodnight? Where are the guys who don't mind playing video games with me?
I want to feel what I've felt in the past. I want to replicate it. I want that feeling back. As for now I will put up my front of not caring enough to make any quasi relationship not work I will pretend it means more than it does. I will also continue to focus on how I have failed at every relationship I have ever been in.
Something has to change. Maybe instead of looking for what I should be replacing I should look to see what I'm missing and prioritize things. Or maybe...I'll just continue as things are and blogging.
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