Auld Lang Syne

I could say 2010 was a flop, nothing interesting happened but in retrospect one huge thing happened, I started to be me again. I lost sight of who I was for a long time. I know this sounds stupid and perhaps redundant but when you are with someone, in a relationship you start to mold yourself into not two different people but into one "us". This year without any hesitation or problems I didn't have a counterpart. I didn't share my bed, meals, and every waking moment thinking "Oh gosh! when is this gonna end?" because it never started. I had a series of flings, first dates, etc but this was the year that I got to be alone. That I got to work on me. Yes, surprisingly it wasn't that easy. I had a lot to let go. I had to not only let go of that one person who shall remain nameless (Chris) but more importantly a person who I thought had done no damage but truly caused some terrible turmoil in my life (Matt).

2010 taught me a lot. It showed me I didn't have to have a boyfriend to go out and have fancy meals, I could do that with someone that liked food as much as I did. I learned that not every waking minute has to be filled with people that alone time is healthy. I learned the balance of school, work, friendship, and time for myself. I also learned that for the first time since I was 15 I didn't have a crush or had fallen into like and it was normal. More importantly I learned who I was or who I am shaping up to be. Yes, I do fuck up. Yes, I have had my fair share of things this year that I regret but I feel they're all lessons that needed to be learned. I didn't take that job in Park City, Utah but I think the old Ximena would have. I welcome new experiences. I feel I made the right decision with the job that I took and although 2011 seems like a hell of year to come with graduation and perhaps even a promotion I think I will remember 2010 as the year I grew up. The year I let things go. The year I learned who my friends are and maybe I didn't find love this year but I found out a lot of people out there like me. I started writing what was in my heart and to me it was helpful. 2010 you will be missed but not forgotten.

Hiding

I'd like to mention how I am one of those girls that almost always knows how her ex flames are doing. I am curious to what their life is like after Ximena and well mostly I just think they're great people and maybe we didn't work out but maybe we can be friends. Almost always it works out I still talk to Carlos and I'm coming around to others. On that note I'd like to mention what I did on Friday that took me by surprise was the fact that not only did I avoid one of my exes like the plague but I also literally went into hiding. I was at school on a Friday which I never am but I was helping a friend move so I went to meet them there. I am fortunate in that none of my exes go to school except for the dreaded ex which isn't so bad since we have this understanding of very short exchanges that makes it less awkward and way more livable. Well, I don't know maybe its because lately I've been pouring my heart and soul into this blog and undeniably I am amazed by the amount of people that actually read this thing but more importantly is that the last few blogs have been about how much I was actually destroyed by this particular person. Before it was easy to say, "oh so and so they broke my heart" but why can't I say it now. Why did I go into hiding? Why couldn't I have that short awkward exchange of words and walk away? I'm over him. I don't want him back. I no longer have any lingering anything for him. Maybe just maybe its because I don't feel anything that I don't want to talk to him. Maybe too much has changed that I don't know who he is anymore and that scares me. He's so much removed from my life, he's a stranger. I think perhaps I've come to the realization that we didn't have that much in common and with all the others perhaps I have held a closer relationship because we still hold other things in common that have nothing to do with our past. I guess what I'm trying to say is Matt: (I know for a fact you probably don't read this) I hope you are doing well. I am glad you were part of life. I am even happier you aren't part of it now because things have changed, I've changed. Next time I see you at school or anywhere I promise not to hide in the coffee bar with the lights off eating pizza (this is just an example) I will man up and say hello and go on with life. Sincerely you know who.

Fear

I'll admit it here first, I'm scared. I'm scared of a lot of things. I'm scared of what the future holds for me. I'm afraid of making dumb decisions. But mostly I'm afraid of getting hurt by love. I mostly write about how I am recovering from a series of break ups. The fact is plain and simple I ran from a lot of things and never got to deal with the consequences and one day it all caught up with me. One day I realized I was alone and I didn't have a back plan. I had to deal with all those things I had been running from. Consequently, it wasn't a pretty process and some people did get caught in the middle of it. Slowly but surely I have been recovering and although its been a rather tedious process I'm doing better much better than before.
Fear paralysis you. It keeps you from doing many things. It also makes you do things you didn't think you were capable of doing. Fear is a drug.
In a year I've found out many things about myself I wasn't aware of. In the past I've been the girl that isn't afraid of challenge, change, or anything in paticular but lately I have. I've been
cautious and I haven't let anyone in my life, some might say its because I wasn't over people but mostly it was because I was afraid of getting hurt once again. Some might say I made a great decision to take a job in Chicago instead of elsewhere, I think it might have been a cop out on my part to stay in my safety zone. Whatever the case I have been cautious and while being cautious I haven't gotten hurt but living in fear is like living a life half lived. In life you have to take a risk. In life you have to make room for change. In life you have to not be afraid. I guess its time to take a chance, make a change, and perhaps even allow for people to come in. Its time to take the plunge and take a risk.
Wow, when did I become such a walking cliche? I guess instead of hiding out and hoping not get dick slapped by reality, it is time to stop being a little bitch. That's all.