"Lets take things day by day"

SPRING BREAK! What a wonderful time of year? Body shots, unwanted tattoos, hook-ups all the mixing of a great MTV show or maybe you take the untraditional route (i.e, you lounge at home and watch the crap they play on MTV). As for me I've always been a fan of just sleeping, eating, and repeating, with occasional showering, (this will have the men running to me, come on over baby). Yes, its been awhile since I last posted something and I don't know if I've somehow become more cynical. If my life is just reaching that turning point. Or perhaps I'm just too busy to care but I have really nothing I want to share.

Except, you might be reading another very similar blog format but about a completely new set of rules. A set of rules that applies to the workplace, professionalism, hospitality, related world. While, I am no Anthony Bourdain I have had my share of crazy guests, even weirder bosses, and the inner workings of hotels, restaurants, and country clubs. At some point all those accounts will come together and I will share all my stories with you. Right now they're rough and perhaps you're thinking well you're relationship stories aren't any better. True, they're probably not I am still learning, recovering, and making my way through life without getting stab in the heart. As for my professional career I hold very true and very dear to my heart and for some reason I can't quite have everyone reading my every heartbreaking and embarrassing anecdote quite yet, it might still be too fresh a wound to pour salt in.

At this point you're thinking WHO CARES about your future blog get to the nitty gritty shit again. Fine.

We've all been in fucked up relationships. Its not a competition of who has the worst relationship and what happened or who did what to who or how did they fuck up. I'm sure we've all dealt with some schmoes that to this day we're probably not all over the damage we went through. I am saying this with the greatest of honesty, why the hell do we get into these relationships? What in our mind makes us say..Oh, sweet druggie, you'll get off the coke and meth for me, won't you? What kind of dark and twisted soul doesn't just shut the door on these fucked up creatures and I actually have the answer to this, you have to be naive. Completely and utterly naive to fall for this person.

Yesterday, a group of friends and I were talking about our past something we do when theres not much else to say (you can obviously tell school has been out for too long), we all had these terrible stories of guys that hurt us and our heart being broken and the terrible things we had to endure. While listening to their stories and my own I realized this was several years ago that I went through this. Since then I had yet to be in relationship that was quite as detrimental but also as effective in my maturity as that one. As if that single relationship matured me from girl to woman. I know this sounds vaguely familiar but I was naive. I started listening to more stories of being attracted to unlikely characters, weird dates, and a relationship that seemed had no potential and I realized I am not in their same boat. Yes, I have romantic notions and I sometimes people think I am wasting my time dating the wrong people. The difference being is that I don't feel naive, vulnerable or out of control. I actually feel the complete opposite. I feel controlling and like I've put a barrier up.

At this point you are thinking, yeah fucking right? A few months ago you wrote a post apologizing to someone but that was the last time I let myself be vulnerable with a guy. We had a history and I wanted it to work. I had this romantic view that we were somehow always suppose to be and I let my guard down for a second. I know it wasn't smart but that's who I am or more like the girl I used to be. The notion proceeds me that I don't want to be hurt, I know no one wants to be hurt but that's the quintessential thing about love. Its a risk.

Right now I am about to take a risk in many aspects. I am scared. I'm vulnerable and I am terrified. I'm also hopeful, excited, and for some reason I feel its a step in the right direction. It has little to do with love but it has to do with me. It's a risk. Maybe this is why right now I don't feel like taking any risks in my love life. I don't want to comprise everything I've worked so hard to get. For it all to fall apart because I am that person who will always choose love before anything else as it has shown in the past it can only deter you from the things you really need to accomplish.

At this time I will take a hint from someone that changed the way I think and follow the mantra that has been in my heart since, "lets take things day by day". Its risk but I think I am willing to take it.

Stupid Cupid.

Happy Valentine's Day. No, I'm not being sarcastic. I really hope everyone had a pleasant day and as much as I know its a Hallmark holiday, I do appreciate the thought that goes behind buying that special someone flowers, candy, gifts, etc to make them feel special on this very commercial holiday. I'm not bitter that I was alone this Valentine's Day. It actually felt very normal. I was surprised on how much it didn't effect me with the exception of one little incident. I had no problem being surrounded by hearts, couples holding hands, cards, and the anticipation of couples having a romantic dinner or plans, what bothered me wasn't the single people being miserable or couples being couples but couples that like to throw being single in your face.

Yes, you know who you are. No, I'm not talking about public displays of attention or couples coupling, I don't care but I do mind the people who say things like, "I feel sorry for you because you're single on Valentine's Day". My question is do they always feel sorry for me because I am not in a relationship or is it only because I'm not with someone on Valentine's Day? More importantly why do they have to feel sorry for me?

I don't carry a grey cloud around me making couples feel miserable, I don't go into their happy little worlds of twos and say 'table for one' and rain on their parade. So please explain why you feel sorry for me?

Would it be nice to have a Valentine? Yes. Would it be nice to be appreciated by someone on a holiday dedicated to "love"? Sure. Am I going to settle? No. Have I become pickier? Maybe. This is a question I asked myself prior to Valentine's Day. Maybe I'm reading too much into this but my instincts are no unnecessarily wrong for a long time I have known a guy who I think has always found me attractive. I've always found him to be a nice guy who I have things in common with but to me its always been he's maybe the right guy but timing has never been right. Again Maybe is the key word in that sentence. After I spent sometime with him during my birthday I realized how not only am I not attracted to him but how there could never be anything between us and again it has a lot to do with timing. Perfectly legit guy, good morals, things in common, but something is missing. I don't feel those butterflies, I don't hear the music and therefore nothing inside me says pursue this person. Maybe a year ago when I wasn't used to being single I would have jumped all over this opportunity. I would have somehow managed to hear the dog whistles but I feel I can do better. I don't need to settle and perhaps I won't have a romantic dinner in a crowded restaurant. And perhaps I won't get a cheesy card or get mad because you don't remember my favorite flowers are tulips. Maybe there won't be any pressure on a random day in February. Perhaps for the first time ever February 14th is just another day on the calender or maybe I'd like to dub it Singles Appreciation Day. A day where singles don't have to worry about all the things someone in a relationship have to worry about. A day where I can still eat a whole box of chocolates and not feel guilty. More importantly a day where it doesn't matter if I'm in committed relationship or if I'm single as long as I'm happy and I'm staying of people who are trying to celebrate V-day on their own terms.

Oh St. Valentine! You have taught me yet another lesson in love.

An Apology

Something unexpected happened this week. Although sick, tired, and often complaining more than I should I somehow managed to surpass what could have quickly become one of the worst weeks of my life. Just one week ago I was upset and weak, I lost someone last week. Someone that well at some point in my life meant something but now, looking back it wasn't that bad. I have found that it wasn't meant to be and I could have probably figured that out earlier with all the signs saying, "do not enter", "dead end", "stop", "proceed with caution" but I see those signs and I often give them the middle finger because well, I'm Ximena. I like to take risks and often I'm looking for love or like in all in the wrong places. C'est la vie.

One of the most unexpected turn of events this week wasn't that I was that heartbroken. It wasn't that I was resilient. Maybe one of the things that bothered me this week was my persistence with this person, I was stubborn when I knew it was over. I wanted the final word and I wanted that apology. Instead, the apology came from a very inexplicable source. It didn't come from the person I wrote that very long post for but instead it came from someone that I have probably mentioned more times in this blog than I should. This person made me feel inexplicably weak for many months last year and I even decided to cut them out of my life for good. Yet, the person I am can't cut people out of her life for some reason (although I did cut a person out last week), but for some reason I wanted to reach out to this particular person. I didn't need the apology. I wasn't expecting the apology. But maybe because I wasn't expecting it and perhaps maybe because I didn't need it, I had reached a place of comfort with this person again, his apology meant something more than just a vague "I'm sorry".

A part of me really didn't want to hear this person apologize to me, maybe because I thought I had been dramatic or it was all in my head. The apology was a slap of reality that I didn't think I deserved. I know I don't need to thank this person for apologizing. I deserved that apology. Its made me a little more complete. Sometimes you don't know how much person can take from you after your done.

When you break up with a person you sometimes take books, cds, t-shirts, etc. as little souvenirs, a reminder you were with that person. I think people take much more than that, they can often take your dignity, pride, self worth, confidence and it takes a long time to get all those things back. This week I got some of that back because of that apology. Perhaps that's why I stopped texting, calling, emailing, I wanted to keep my dignity, pride, self-worth, confidence intact. It'll be sometime until someone can take that away from me again.

I don't want you to be a sentence, I'd prefer a chapter

Its taken me long enough to write again. I'm not sure how to approach things right now. I am in the middle of a situation that I knew how to avoid and somehow the only word that comes to mind is how I "sabotaged" this. Everyone is saying Ximena "don't be to hard on yourself", "Let things take their course" and every other cliche in the book. I know I made a mistake.

So here it goes:

We all know that I want to be that girl that meets boy, boy falls for girl and we live a happy easy life but those are not the cards I get dealt. I live a life where everything is a little more complicated. Everything comes with a compromise and everything has a story.
I said this year would be the year I would take more risks. This would be the year that I would let more people in. I would also be less scared and let more things go. It was shaping out to be a great year just like 2010 was shaping out to be a great year but somewhere around week 3 I realize I have the ability to fuck things up. I don't think I do it on purpose but I get scared and loose all normal inhibitions and start to sabotage anything that is going well.

I don't regret too much in my life. I don't want this person to be someone I regret adding back in my life. Actually I take that back. I don't regret having this person in my life. I would regret to end things the way they seem to have ended. Instead of my ability to write a chapter about this person it seems that every time I start anything with you I can only write a sentence and then blank page appears. You disappear, you fall off the face of the earth, you run, you hide and it ends. I want you to face me and talk about things that happened. I want us to be friends. I want this to work out as much as we probably think it won't.

Ha! I'm going to do something I hardly ever do on my blog but I am going to apologize. I freaked out. I got scared and tried to get you out of my life the only way I know how. I succeeded. Yet another part of me says that you haven't handled things correctly. I know you said we weren't going to fight but I'm not here to fight. I would like to hear your sentiments, even if they're "we're not going to work out". I need closure. I'm not sure if you will A. ever read this or B. actually do me the favor of talking things out with me but I think I actually deserve this. Again this is a half-hearted apology but I am doing the only thing I know I do well.

This isn't a sign of desperation and I'll let things be but for some reason I don't think things are over. Just like I didn't think things were over between us 3 years ago.

I know people are going to read this and be confused as to what has happened to my blog. People are going to say where is the advice, the rant, the lesson learned. The advice is people need to speak whats on their mind, the rant is the very long apology and the lesson is quite not learned yet but I hope its that you aren't just a sentence in what is suppose to be a chapter.

Missed Connections or Downfall #2

I am sucker for Craigslist "missed connections." When you live in a city with millions of people you realize all the opportunities you might have missed and as cheesy and absurd as this sounds I think its nice that there is a forum where you can post something letting that other person know you wanted to reach out but didn't.
How many times in life do you go without doing that? Thousands.
Here's my point of another Downfall of womankind: We all love this romantic bullshit built into our head. That ever so faithful day that some guy is going to sweep us off our feet and we're going to just swoon and there will be dandelions and daisies and unicorns and even the most sensible of girls believe this crap. Yes, even me the killer of romance, thinks one day her prince will come thanks to Walt Disney and all those fairy tales I got read to as a child. Thanks! Realistically speaking it might happen. I know that I've had romantic gestures happen to me and you know instead of embracing them or treasuring them I ran from them. I got scared this kind of stuff just doesn't happen to me. It happens to Molly Ringwald in Sixteen Candles or Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman but it wouldn't happen to Ellen Page she gets pregnant and for some reason ends up weirdly with Michael Cera at the end of that movie. More importantly a missed connection would be like finding a pin in haystack. Hard to impossible to find but I still think that maybe just maybe you made can make an impression on someone and their perception of you might change in the long run. Maybe its the fact that you have been through hell and back, that right now in your life you are at crossroads, maybe the girl you once were is still around but she grew up a little, all these things can really change a person for the better or for the worse. I feel that I am living a missed connection. While I have missed the boat with other grand romantic gestures like the guy who took me to prom when I was going to go stag and showed up at my door with a matching corsage. Or the guy that ran a couple blocks because he wanted to just kiss me before he left. Or even the guy that took too many cabs one night because I wanted him to come and pick me up from a party. While all those are grand romantic gestures, I never swooned. I am waiting for the "missed connections", I think I'll know when I find it.
I might be the one girl who yes besides all the crazy antics of overthinking and romanticising can be realistic enough to know who the right guy is missed connection or not.

Downfall #1

I can be the first to admit girls have many downfalls but one of them is the fact we over analyze everything. Which often makes things overly complicated and worse we freak out the opposite sex. The ability to keep things simple isn't in our nature thus the elaborate routine of getting ready and all the other mundane things girls do. You are probably reading this as a girl and scoffing, "Pfft..I don't do that. I don't read into signs and try to decipherer the Da Vinci code that is Man."But you are wrong, yes even me, especially me is a magnet to over complicating things.

Get me in a room with guys and I will drink whiskey and drink beer and talk about hook ups, simply being one of the guys. Get me a room with women and I will fill their minds with mindless romantic stories, criticizing my ex-boyfriends antics, but more trying to read into something that isn't probably there about my latest crush. The amount of time I spend talking to my girlfriends about a simple matter and the amount of time I think "what did that smile mean? why did this happen? why did he say this?" I think by now I could have discovered the cure for cancer, ok maybe not but I shouldn't spend so much thinking about this stuff.
Its kind of how I feel about this blog its when I write whatever is in my heart that's when its better, funnier, real. I guess when I don't take it too seriously things seem to just work out. I know I am better when I'm not super rehearsed, when I just say whatever I am thinking, when I'm not censored, mostly when I don't give a fuck. So thinking to myself "what did he mean when he said this?" over complicates things at this point in my life I'm A. too tired to really dig deep into it and B. I don't give a shit why he said or what he thinks C. mostly I am going to act how ever the fuck I please and I'm really unapologetic about anything and everything.

So even though I don't believe in resolutions because they're mostly about taking things drastically out of proportion and they all go awry I will say that this year I will try my hardest to stop over thinking things and just do them. I will not be circling issues. I will not be taking every part of a conversation and over analyzing it. I will take things as they, as they come and I will show a little confidence. Cockiness even. My 'fuck it' attitude is back in place.

Auld Lang Syne

I could say 2010 was a flop, nothing interesting happened but in retrospect one huge thing happened, I started to be me again. I lost sight of who I was for a long time. I know this sounds stupid and perhaps redundant but when you are with someone, in a relationship you start to mold yourself into not two different people but into one "us". This year without any hesitation or problems I didn't have a counterpart. I didn't share my bed, meals, and every waking moment thinking "Oh gosh! when is this gonna end?" because it never started. I had a series of flings, first dates, etc but this was the year that I got to be alone. That I got to work on me. Yes, surprisingly it wasn't that easy. I had a lot to let go. I had to not only let go of that one person who shall remain nameless (Chris) but more importantly a person who I thought had done no damage but truly caused some terrible turmoil in my life (Matt).

2010 taught me a lot. It showed me I didn't have to have a boyfriend to go out and have fancy meals, I could do that with someone that liked food as much as I did. I learned that not every waking minute has to be filled with people that alone time is healthy. I learned the balance of school, work, friendship, and time for myself. I also learned that for the first time since I was 15 I didn't have a crush or had fallen into like and it was normal. More importantly I learned who I was or who I am shaping up to be. Yes, I do fuck up. Yes, I have had my fair share of things this year that I regret but I feel they're all lessons that needed to be learned. I didn't take that job in Park City, Utah but I think the old Ximena would have. I welcome new experiences. I feel I made the right decision with the job that I took and although 2011 seems like a hell of year to come with graduation and perhaps even a promotion I think I will remember 2010 as the year I grew up. The year I let things go. The year I learned who my friends are and maybe I didn't find love this year but I found out a lot of people out there like me. I started writing what was in my heart and to me it was helpful. 2010 you will be missed but not forgotten.