An Apology

Something unexpected happened this week. Although sick, tired, and often complaining more than I should I somehow managed to surpass what could have quickly become one of the worst weeks of my life. Just one week ago I was upset and weak, I lost someone last week. Someone that well at some point in my life meant something but now, looking back it wasn't that bad. I have found that it wasn't meant to be and I could have probably figured that out earlier with all the signs saying, "do not enter", "dead end", "stop", "proceed with caution" but I see those signs and I often give them the middle finger because well, I'm Ximena. I like to take risks and often I'm looking for love or like in all in the wrong places. C'est la vie.

One of the most unexpected turn of events this week wasn't that I was that heartbroken. It wasn't that I was resilient. Maybe one of the things that bothered me this week was my persistence with this person, I was stubborn when I knew it was over. I wanted the final word and I wanted that apology. Instead, the apology came from a very inexplicable source. It didn't come from the person I wrote that very long post for but instead it came from someone that I have probably mentioned more times in this blog than I should. This person made me feel inexplicably weak for many months last year and I even decided to cut them out of my life for good. Yet, the person I am can't cut people out of her life for some reason (although I did cut a person out last week), but for some reason I wanted to reach out to this particular person. I didn't need the apology. I wasn't expecting the apology. But maybe because I wasn't expecting it and perhaps maybe because I didn't need it, I had reached a place of comfort with this person again, his apology meant something more than just a vague "I'm sorry".

A part of me really didn't want to hear this person apologize to me, maybe because I thought I had been dramatic or it was all in my head. The apology was a slap of reality that I didn't think I deserved. I know I don't need to thank this person for apologizing. I deserved that apology. Its made me a little more complete. Sometimes you don't know how much person can take from you after your done.

When you break up with a person you sometimes take books, cds, t-shirts, etc. as little souvenirs, a reminder you were with that person. I think people take much more than that, they can often take your dignity, pride, self worth, confidence and it takes a long time to get all those things back. This week I got some of that back because of that apology. Perhaps that's why I stopped texting, calling, emailing, I wanted to keep my dignity, pride, self-worth, confidence intact. It'll be sometime until someone can take that away from me again.

I don't want you to be a sentence, I'd prefer a chapter

Its taken me long enough to write again. I'm not sure how to approach things right now. I am in the middle of a situation that I knew how to avoid and somehow the only word that comes to mind is how I "sabotaged" this. Everyone is saying Ximena "don't be to hard on yourself", "Let things take their course" and every other cliche in the book. I know I made a mistake.

So here it goes:

We all know that I want to be that girl that meets boy, boy falls for girl and we live a happy easy life but those are not the cards I get dealt. I live a life where everything is a little more complicated. Everything comes with a compromise and everything has a story.
I said this year would be the year I would take more risks. This would be the year that I would let more people in. I would also be less scared and let more things go. It was shaping out to be a great year just like 2010 was shaping out to be a great year but somewhere around week 3 I realize I have the ability to fuck things up. I don't think I do it on purpose but I get scared and loose all normal inhibitions and start to sabotage anything that is going well.

I don't regret too much in my life. I don't want this person to be someone I regret adding back in my life. Actually I take that back. I don't regret having this person in my life. I would regret to end things the way they seem to have ended. Instead of my ability to write a chapter about this person it seems that every time I start anything with you I can only write a sentence and then blank page appears. You disappear, you fall off the face of the earth, you run, you hide and it ends. I want you to face me and talk about things that happened. I want us to be friends. I want this to work out as much as we probably think it won't.

Ha! I'm going to do something I hardly ever do on my blog but I am going to apologize. I freaked out. I got scared and tried to get you out of my life the only way I know how. I succeeded. Yet another part of me says that you haven't handled things correctly. I know you said we weren't going to fight but I'm not here to fight. I would like to hear your sentiments, even if they're "we're not going to work out". I need closure. I'm not sure if you will A. ever read this or B. actually do me the favor of talking things out with me but I think I actually deserve this. Again this is a half-hearted apology but I am doing the only thing I know I do well.

This isn't a sign of desperation and I'll let things be but for some reason I don't think things are over. Just like I didn't think things were over between us 3 years ago.

I know people are going to read this and be confused as to what has happened to my blog. People are going to say where is the advice, the rant, the lesson learned. The advice is people need to speak whats on their mind, the rant is the very long apology and the lesson is quite not learned yet but I hope its that you aren't just a sentence in what is suppose to be a chapter.

Missed Connections or Downfall #2

I am sucker for Craigslist "missed connections." When you live in a city with millions of people you realize all the opportunities you might have missed and as cheesy and absurd as this sounds I think its nice that there is a forum where you can post something letting that other person know you wanted to reach out but didn't.
How many times in life do you go without doing that? Thousands.
Here's my point of another Downfall of womankind: We all love this romantic bullshit built into our head. That ever so faithful day that some guy is going to sweep us off our feet and we're going to just swoon and there will be dandelions and daisies and unicorns and even the most sensible of girls believe this crap. Yes, even me the killer of romance, thinks one day her prince will come thanks to Walt Disney and all those fairy tales I got read to as a child. Thanks! Realistically speaking it might happen. I know that I've had romantic gestures happen to me and you know instead of embracing them or treasuring them I ran from them. I got scared this kind of stuff just doesn't happen to me. It happens to Molly Ringwald in Sixteen Candles or Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman but it wouldn't happen to Ellen Page she gets pregnant and for some reason ends up weirdly with Michael Cera at the end of that movie. More importantly a missed connection would be like finding a pin in haystack. Hard to impossible to find but I still think that maybe just maybe you made can make an impression on someone and their perception of you might change in the long run. Maybe its the fact that you have been through hell and back, that right now in your life you are at crossroads, maybe the girl you once were is still around but she grew up a little, all these things can really change a person for the better or for the worse. I feel that I am living a missed connection. While I have missed the boat with other grand romantic gestures like the guy who took me to prom when I was going to go stag and showed up at my door with a matching corsage. Or the guy that ran a couple blocks because he wanted to just kiss me before he left. Or even the guy that took too many cabs one night because I wanted him to come and pick me up from a party. While all those are grand romantic gestures, I never swooned. I am waiting for the "missed connections", I think I'll know when I find it.
I might be the one girl who yes besides all the crazy antics of overthinking and romanticising can be realistic enough to know who the right guy is missed connection or not.

Downfall #1

I can be the first to admit girls have many downfalls but one of them is the fact we over analyze everything. Which often makes things overly complicated and worse we freak out the opposite sex. The ability to keep things simple isn't in our nature thus the elaborate routine of getting ready and all the other mundane things girls do. You are probably reading this as a girl and scoffing, "Pfft..I don't do that. I don't read into signs and try to decipherer the Da Vinci code that is Man."But you are wrong, yes even me, especially me is a magnet to over complicating things.

Get me in a room with guys and I will drink whiskey and drink beer and talk about hook ups, simply being one of the guys. Get me a room with women and I will fill their minds with mindless romantic stories, criticizing my ex-boyfriends antics, but more trying to read into something that isn't probably there about my latest crush. The amount of time I spend talking to my girlfriends about a simple matter and the amount of time I think "what did that smile mean? why did this happen? why did he say this?" I think by now I could have discovered the cure for cancer, ok maybe not but I shouldn't spend so much thinking about this stuff.
Its kind of how I feel about this blog its when I write whatever is in my heart that's when its better, funnier, real. I guess when I don't take it too seriously things seem to just work out. I know I am better when I'm not super rehearsed, when I just say whatever I am thinking, when I'm not censored, mostly when I don't give a fuck. So thinking to myself "what did he mean when he said this?" over complicates things at this point in my life I'm A. too tired to really dig deep into it and B. I don't give a shit why he said or what he thinks C. mostly I am going to act how ever the fuck I please and I'm really unapologetic about anything and everything.

So even though I don't believe in resolutions because they're mostly about taking things drastically out of proportion and they all go awry I will say that this year I will try my hardest to stop over thinking things and just do them. I will not be circling issues. I will not be taking every part of a conversation and over analyzing it. I will take things as they, as they come and I will show a little confidence. Cockiness even. My 'fuck it' attitude is back in place.

Auld Lang Syne

I could say 2010 was a flop, nothing interesting happened but in retrospect one huge thing happened, I started to be me again. I lost sight of who I was for a long time. I know this sounds stupid and perhaps redundant but when you are with someone, in a relationship you start to mold yourself into not two different people but into one "us". This year without any hesitation or problems I didn't have a counterpart. I didn't share my bed, meals, and every waking moment thinking "Oh gosh! when is this gonna end?" because it never started. I had a series of flings, first dates, etc but this was the year that I got to be alone. That I got to work on me. Yes, surprisingly it wasn't that easy. I had a lot to let go. I had to not only let go of that one person who shall remain nameless (Chris) but more importantly a person who I thought had done no damage but truly caused some terrible turmoil in my life (Matt).

2010 taught me a lot. It showed me I didn't have to have a boyfriend to go out and have fancy meals, I could do that with someone that liked food as much as I did. I learned that not every waking minute has to be filled with people that alone time is healthy. I learned the balance of school, work, friendship, and time for myself. I also learned that for the first time since I was 15 I didn't have a crush or had fallen into like and it was normal. More importantly I learned who I was or who I am shaping up to be. Yes, I do fuck up. Yes, I have had my fair share of things this year that I regret but I feel they're all lessons that needed to be learned. I didn't take that job in Park City, Utah but I think the old Ximena would have. I welcome new experiences. I feel I made the right decision with the job that I took and although 2011 seems like a hell of year to come with graduation and perhaps even a promotion I think I will remember 2010 as the year I grew up. The year I let things go. The year I learned who my friends are and maybe I didn't find love this year but I found out a lot of people out there like me. I started writing what was in my heart and to me it was helpful. 2010 you will be missed but not forgotten.

Hiding

I'd like to mention how I am one of those girls that almost always knows how her ex flames are doing. I am curious to what their life is like after Ximena and well mostly I just think they're great people and maybe we didn't work out but maybe we can be friends. Almost always it works out I still talk to Carlos and I'm coming around to others. On that note I'd like to mention what I did on Friday that took me by surprise was the fact that not only did I avoid one of my exes like the plague but I also literally went into hiding. I was at school on a Friday which I never am but I was helping a friend move so I went to meet them there. I am fortunate in that none of my exes go to school except for the dreaded ex which isn't so bad since we have this understanding of very short exchanges that makes it less awkward and way more livable. Well, I don't know maybe its because lately I've been pouring my heart and soul into this blog and undeniably I am amazed by the amount of people that actually read this thing but more importantly is that the last few blogs have been about how much I was actually destroyed by this particular person. Before it was easy to say, "oh so and so they broke my heart" but why can't I say it now. Why did I go into hiding? Why couldn't I have that short awkward exchange of words and walk away? I'm over him. I don't want him back. I no longer have any lingering anything for him. Maybe just maybe its because I don't feel anything that I don't want to talk to him. Maybe too much has changed that I don't know who he is anymore and that scares me. He's so much removed from my life, he's a stranger. I think perhaps I've come to the realization that we didn't have that much in common and with all the others perhaps I have held a closer relationship because we still hold other things in common that have nothing to do with our past. I guess what I'm trying to say is Matt: (I know for a fact you probably don't read this) I hope you are doing well. I am glad you were part of life. I am even happier you aren't part of it now because things have changed, I've changed. Next time I see you at school or anywhere I promise not to hide in the coffee bar with the lights off eating pizza (this is just an example) I will man up and say hello and go on with life. Sincerely you know who.

Fear

I'll admit it here first, I'm scared. I'm scared of a lot of things. I'm scared of what the future holds for me. I'm afraid of making dumb decisions. But mostly I'm afraid of getting hurt by love. I mostly write about how I am recovering from a series of break ups. The fact is plain and simple I ran from a lot of things and never got to deal with the consequences and one day it all caught up with me. One day I realized I was alone and I didn't have a back plan. I had to deal with all those things I had been running from. Consequently, it wasn't a pretty process and some people did get caught in the middle of it. Slowly but surely I have been recovering and although its been a rather tedious process I'm doing better much better than before.
Fear paralysis you. It keeps you from doing many things. It also makes you do things you didn't think you were capable of doing. Fear is a drug.
In a year I've found out many things about myself I wasn't aware of. In the past I've been the girl that isn't afraid of challenge, change, or anything in paticular but lately I have. I've been
cautious and I haven't let anyone in my life, some might say its because I wasn't over people but mostly it was because I was afraid of getting hurt once again. Some might say I made a great decision to take a job in Chicago instead of elsewhere, I think it might have been a cop out on my part to stay in my safety zone. Whatever the case I have been cautious and while being cautious I haven't gotten hurt but living in fear is like living a life half lived. In life you have to take a risk. In life you have to make room for change. In life you have to not be afraid. I guess its time to take a chance, make a change, and perhaps even allow for people to come in. Its time to take the plunge and take a risk.
Wow, when did I become such a walking cliche? I guess instead of hiding out and hoping not get dick slapped by reality, it is time to stop being a little bitch. That's all.