Welcome To The Dark Side

I have a gut wrenching feeling one of my friends has left us for a dark place. He has checked out of reality and into the dark and twisty world. I am a familiar visitor of dark and twisty but when I'm there I have this overwhelming feeling of belonging and not belonging all at once.

What is dark and twisty?

Dark and twisty is place of denial. A place you go to after any break up. Its a remedy, a quick fix, a patch on that flat tire which you know you should get replaced but you patch up instead. This dark place has a fascinating ease. You push your closest people away and you easily replace them with people that don't know you well, that are in a similar situation, or have been dark and twisty their whole lives. Theres a moment when you are just angry at everything and everyone you don't really justify your anger but if you dig deep enough you'll find the core of what's wrong. Dark and twisty comes with a long list of attribute which include: booze, drugs, sex and an overwhelming desire to have control or no control in all these aspects. We find ourselves wanting to explore, be different, find ourselves but really we're just hurting. Instead of grieving we do everything in our power not to feel. We have outburst that shun people away. We hurt ourselves instead of heal.

I have spent a year in this place. I covered it up sometimes very well but I had this desire to be self destructive. I didn't feel like I belonged in reality and this place held some comfort. I loved the attention it brings, the night owls, the insomnia, the heaving drinking, the hook ups but that's no way to live. Well, its not for me. A few months ago I made a series of mistakes which I took as just another one of my many fuck ups. I never realized that what I do may affect others and others perceptions of myself. With this blog, my job, and a couple of months of hiding I am out of this dark place. I have really taken control of my life and weirdly happy.

This doesn't mean I don't have fun. I still go out but with a different approach as many times before it was to get hammered or finding a random hook up, I now do it with the solid intention to have a memory and a good time.

Going to this dark place is a replacement for someone but believe me it makes you feel more alone. I sometimes wish I would have checked out of the dark and twisty world months ago but I continued to force myself not to feel anything as I was afraid that the breaking point would be scarier but it wasn't. Consequently, it was a relief and as it came to be it was a relief to all those around me. Once I found myself out I became more pleasant, optimistic, and more fun to be around. Thank you for all of you who stuck around and I'm sorry to all of those who I hurt in this process, including myself.