Auld Lang Syne

I could say 2010 was a flop, nothing interesting happened but in retrospect one huge thing happened, I started to be me again. I lost sight of who I was for a long time. I know this sounds stupid and perhaps redundant but when you are with someone, in a relationship you start to mold yourself into not two different people but into one "us". This year without any hesitation or problems I didn't have a counterpart. I didn't share my bed, meals, and every waking moment thinking "Oh gosh! when is this gonna end?" because it never started. I had a series of flings, first dates, etc but this was the year that I got to be alone. That I got to work on me. Yes, surprisingly it wasn't that easy. I had a lot to let go. I had to not only let go of that one person who shall remain nameless (Chris) but more importantly a person who I thought had done no damage but truly caused some terrible turmoil in my life (Matt).

2010 taught me a lot. It showed me I didn't have to have a boyfriend to go out and have fancy meals, I could do that with someone that liked food as much as I did. I learned that not every waking minute has to be filled with people that alone time is healthy. I learned the balance of school, work, friendship, and time for myself. I also learned that for the first time since I was 15 I didn't have a crush or had fallen into like and it was normal. More importantly I learned who I was or who I am shaping up to be. Yes, I do fuck up. Yes, I have had my fair share of things this year that I regret but I feel they're all lessons that needed to be learned. I didn't take that job in Park City, Utah but I think the old Ximena would have. I welcome new experiences. I feel I made the right decision with the job that I took and although 2011 seems like a hell of year to come with graduation and perhaps even a promotion I think I will remember 2010 as the year I grew up. The year I let things go. The year I learned who my friends are and maybe I didn't find love this year but I found out a lot of people out there like me. I started writing what was in my heart and to me it was helpful. 2010 you will be missed but not forgotten.

Hiding

I'd like to mention how I am one of those girls that almost always knows how her ex flames are doing. I am curious to what their life is like after Ximena and well mostly I just think they're great people and maybe we didn't work out but maybe we can be friends. Almost always it works out I still talk to Carlos and I'm coming around to others. On that note I'd like to mention what I did on Friday that took me by surprise was the fact that not only did I avoid one of my exes like the plague but I also literally went into hiding. I was at school on a Friday which I never am but I was helping a friend move so I went to meet them there. I am fortunate in that none of my exes go to school except for the dreaded ex which isn't so bad since we have this understanding of very short exchanges that makes it less awkward and way more livable. Well, I don't know maybe its because lately I've been pouring my heart and soul into this blog and undeniably I am amazed by the amount of people that actually read this thing but more importantly is that the last few blogs have been about how much I was actually destroyed by this particular person. Before it was easy to say, "oh so and so they broke my heart" but why can't I say it now. Why did I go into hiding? Why couldn't I have that short awkward exchange of words and walk away? I'm over him. I don't want him back. I no longer have any lingering anything for him. Maybe just maybe its because I don't feel anything that I don't want to talk to him. Maybe too much has changed that I don't know who he is anymore and that scares me. He's so much removed from my life, he's a stranger. I think perhaps I've come to the realization that we didn't have that much in common and with all the others perhaps I have held a closer relationship because we still hold other things in common that have nothing to do with our past. I guess what I'm trying to say is Matt: (I know for a fact you probably don't read this) I hope you are doing well. I am glad you were part of life. I am even happier you aren't part of it now because things have changed, I've changed. Next time I see you at school or anywhere I promise not to hide in the coffee bar with the lights off eating pizza (this is just an example) I will man up and say hello and go on with life. Sincerely you know who.

Fear

I'll admit it here first, I'm scared. I'm scared of a lot of things. I'm scared of what the future holds for me. I'm afraid of making dumb decisions. But mostly I'm afraid of getting hurt by love. I mostly write about how I am recovering from a series of break ups. The fact is plain and simple I ran from a lot of things and never got to deal with the consequences and one day it all caught up with me. One day I realized I was alone and I didn't have a back plan. I had to deal with all those things I had been running from. Consequently, it wasn't a pretty process and some people did get caught in the middle of it. Slowly but surely I have been recovering and although its been a rather tedious process I'm doing better much better than before.
Fear paralysis you. It keeps you from doing many things. It also makes you do things you didn't think you were capable of doing. Fear is a drug.
In a year I've found out many things about myself I wasn't aware of. In the past I've been the girl that isn't afraid of challenge, change, or anything in paticular but lately I have. I've been
cautious and I haven't let anyone in my life, some might say its because I wasn't over people but mostly it was because I was afraid of getting hurt once again. Some might say I made a great decision to take a job in Chicago instead of elsewhere, I think it might have been a cop out on my part to stay in my safety zone. Whatever the case I have been cautious and while being cautious I haven't gotten hurt but living in fear is like living a life half lived. In life you have to take a risk. In life you have to make room for change. In life you have to not be afraid. I guess its time to take a chance, make a change, and perhaps even allow for people to come in. Its time to take the plunge and take a risk.
Wow, when did I become such a walking cliche? I guess instead of hiding out and hoping not get dick slapped by reality, it is time to stop being a little bitch. That's all.

"Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice..."

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice-we can't get fooled again. I sometimes wonder how George W. Bush got to be our president. What he was trying to say is, "Fool me twice shame on me." Time and time again I feel we fall for the same tricks. We get suckered into getting the VIP tickets to a show because its only $50 and you get a free key chain or upgrading to a room that is really only 10 feet bigger. Anyway, we always look back and go "I'll never do that again" and somehow we end up doing things we said "we'd never do" again and again. For instance:

Drunk Dialing

For some reason we feel the dire need to pick up the phone and talk to ex when we are way beyond intoxicated. At that moment we feel compelled to tell them we miss them, that they're the reason I decided to take 8 tequila shots in row, and that no one will ever love me like they did. The next day while dealing with a terrible hangover, we inevitably look at our phone and realize that it wasn't just a dream but we did just call our ex and make a fool of ourselves again. And every time we go out we promise it won't happen again. That we won't drink and dial but it happens.

Hooking up with an Ex

I think for some reason this one is the worst of all of them. There is the familiarity when you are with them you feel this overwhelming closeness, belonging but towards the end you realize that is just a one time thing. That they're an ex for a reason. That because maybe one night you decided to have again one to many drinks and you two were in a familiar setting things would just suddenly become normal. You promise yourself at the end of the break no more communication as you stalk his or her Facebook, drunk dial him and even text him if you see something they might enjoy. The worse is just trying to act normal with an ex when all your friends are around and this is when you become vulnerable and the hook up is inevitable. I can't tell you the number of times I wish this wouldn't had happen but it did.

Going after the same type of Guy or Girl

You promise yourself you'll do things differently that you won't date the guy with the tattoos and the motorcycle. You promise you won't go with the guy who has a long distance girlfriend. You promise yourself to be single but somehow end up in a relationship after 3 weeks of playing the single or I just got dumped card. And you fall into the same routine. Going after something that isn't there that won't ever be there that has no potential for growth but you like torture because you my friend are a masochist who loves pain and I guess in my case loves writing blogs on how I am a dumbass when it comes love.

Some might say I never learn from my mistakes but I think I've grown as a person. I think I'm finally a little more cautious, a little more resilient, and a lot more of bitch. I can't figure out how to approach anyone these days because the last year has been more painful than anything I've ever gone through. When Carlos and I broke up I felt there was going to be great things for me, a new city, new friends, school, etc. When Matt and I broke up all that new stuff wasn't new anymore it was my city, my friends, my school, my life and little by little I started to unravel without noticing for awhile. Yes, I did have someone for awhile who made me feel good but when they left the little bit of putty that was holding me together was gone, I broke. I lost everything that I felt was important and I lost track of what had brought me to Chicago in the first place. Finally, after piecing myself together for year I'm not ready for a relationship. I am not ready to go down that road of finding Mr. Right and I'm not looking for anyone or anything in particular. I just want to make sure that next time I do go down that route I will remember President Bush, "Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice-I won't be fooled again".

Welcome To The Dark Side

I have a gut wrenching feeling one of my friends has left us for a dark place. He has checked out of reality and into the dark and twisty world. I am a familiar visitor of dark and twisty but when I'm there I have this overwhelming feeling of belonging and not belonging all at once.

What is dark and twisty?

Dark and twisty is place of denial. A place you go to after any break up. Its a remedy, a quick fix, a patch on that flat tire which you know you should get replaced but you patch up instead. This dark place has a fascinating ease. You push your closest people away and you easily replace them with people that don't know you well, that are in a similar situation, or have been dark and twisty their whole lives. Theres a moment when you are just angry at everything and everyone you don't really justify your anger but if you dig deep enough you'll find the core of what's wrong. Dark and twisty comes with a long list of attribute which include: booze, drugs, sex and an overwhelming desire to have control or no control in all these aspects. We find ourselves wanting to explore, be different, find ourselves but really we're just hurting. Instead of grieving we do everything in our power not to feel. We have outburst that shun people away. We hurt ourselves instead of heal.

I have spent a year in this place. I covered it up sometimes very well but I had this desire to be self destructive. I didn't feel like I belonged in reality and this place held some comfort. I loved the attention it brings, the night owls, the insomnia, the heaving drinking, the hook ups but that's no way to live. Well, its not for me. A few months ago I made a series of mistakes which I took as just another one of my many fuck ups. I never realized that what I do may affect others and others perceptions of myself. With this blog, my job, and a couple of months of hiding I am out of this dark place. I have really taken control of my life and weirdly happy.

This doesn't mean I don't have fun. I still go out but with a different approach as many times before it was to get hammered or finding a random hook up, I now do it with the solid intention to have a memory and a good time.

Going to this dark place is a replacement for someone but believe me it makes you feel more alone. I sometimes wish I would have checked out of the dark and twisty world months ago but I continued to force myself not to feel anything as I was afraid that the breaking point would be scarier but it wasn't. Consequently, it was a relief and as it came to be it was a relief to all those around me. Once I found myself out I became more pleasant, optimistic, and more fun to be around. Thank you for all of you who stuck around and I'm sorry to all of those who I hurt in this process, including myself.

Hibernation

Seems to me everyone is worried about my current living situation, for the exception of myself. Its winter, time for hibernation: big sweaters, heavy scarfs, and bad hair due to weather but instead I am getting confronted about my hibernation status. I really do enjoy drinking a bottle of wine and eating pretzels while watching Conan its actually a pleasure and this is why.

Ever since I was 14 or 15 years old I've been presented with boy drama. A boy likes me, he doesn't like me, he notices me, I have a crush, I have boyfriend, I have a full on relationship that includes homemaker status, I'm getting over a relationship, or I feel miserable because of one or I am single. And for once that last bit doesn't make me sick. I'm happy not liking anyone, I'm happy not trying to dazzle anyone with my good looks or even more dazzling personality. I'm glad I'm not persuing anyone and no one is persuing me and I am taking a break from all the nonsense to focus on who better than myself. Ah! I feel a sense in relief in this. Because after almost 10 years of being in one of the above I feel its now time for me I don't feel ashamed or selfish or anything other than relieved.

Sure I guess I am one year closer to 30 which apparently is every girls expiration date. Sure I am getting hassled by my mother who I really wasn't expecting to ask me if I'm seeing someone as I tell her everything. I was hoping my friend wasn't hoping that somewhere between me freaking out about me graduating she wouldn't point out I've been single for while but it all happened.

Lets get this out in the open. In the last 4 years I've been dumped. I've been on that bitter end of the bottle where I didn't see anything else but another bottle but then I recovered. I have seen one relationship end and another one begin. One person leave and another one emerge but for the first time ever I am not expecting to be in a relationship any time soon.

I am content writing about past experiences, expanding my horizons, and attempting to get ahead in my career and graduate. Wow! Who knew Ximena could be so focused on herself for once.

I'm confused as to what I believe anymore. I don't expect for relationships to last at my age and I don't expect that there is any kind of whirl wind romance, I am not a romantic but somewhere between all my disappoints in the past I've lost what I was looking for. Perhaps someday I'll find it and someday I'll believe that there is someone perfect for everyone but until then I am happy just being by myself for the first time since my first boyfriend.

Oh yeah! Happy Hibernation!

The 5 Year Plan

Most of the time I leave you with some optimism but yesterday I kind of left you guys with a bitter taste of reality. I don't apologize because these are my sentiments at the moment. I'm sure many of you are thinking, "Ximena, when you find the right guy, your soul mate, you'll know."

I remember many many nights ago sitting in my first apartment drunk in my closet and I was sad because I was alone and my friend came into my room and said, "what are you doing?" And I looked up at her with tears and my eyes and I said, "Why do we have to pretend to not be looking for anyone?" and she said, "because when we're not looking someone will find you." At that place and time I realized that I should live my life and I wiped away my fears and tears and went out to the nearest bar (Mexico) and danced my little butt off and in less than 3 months I fell in love. I fell in love like I had never been in love before (or so I thought) and I wanted to be with this person forever (or so I thought) and I had a 5 year plan.

I always have a 5 year plan.

The five year plan started in High School. I was this punky 15 year old girl with a rebellious heart that had a 5 year plan that included Amsterdam and college and the after life would just figure itself out. Then out of the blue came Carlos and there was a different 5 year plan that included college and then after 4 or 5 years of dating marriage and that failed. Then there came plan b: which was the same 4 years of college and getting back together but that failed because well I met Matt and so on. My 5 year plans fail. I guess the only thing that doesn't fail is that I knew I would always graduate from college as to my aspirations that have ranged from: film director, writer, graphic designer teacher, and now I'm graduating with a Hospitality degree. I'm not very religious but something that always sticks with me is, "If you have a plan, God laughs at it," and this holds true to me. Any plan I ever have the universe finds a way to make it not work and I always say its for a reason. Sometimes I understand completely why the reason for failure happened but most of the time I'm waiting astutely to why the universe has played this clever joke on me. I'm getting ready to graduate in a few quarters and I'm scared because for the first time ever I don't have a 5 year plan. I'm patiently waiting for something to happen to point me into the direction of my 5 year plan. I'm terrified but maybe all those times that I've made plans and they have fallen apart and I've been devastated have taught me that maybe I don't need a 5 year plan that like that one faithful night that I was sad I can still hear someone say to me, "it will work itself out". (And that's as optimistic as I'm going to get today!)