Is that the Austin Motel Sign or are you just happy to see me?

I'm back!!!

Getting my shit together has been tougher than I thought. I mean honestly, I thought I was going to go back home to Texas, I was going to find this amazing job in San Francisco in a month tops and I was going to move there and all these magical unicorns were going to whisk me off to the sunset as the prodigal daughter coming back to save California from evils like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Paris Hilton and other tragedies of the state. Instead, I stayed unemployed in Del Rio, Texas for 3 months which seemed like forever. Then, I found myself moving to Austin and buying a car which I promised myself I would never do but, I did. Getting a job as a waitress which I promised myself I'd never go back to doing but I have to right now to make ends meet and to top things off I live alone. Alone really alone, like no cat or dog, fish or any living creature lives with me and while I have lived in places where I've felt alone, this is a first for me and I'm not 100% sure how to feel about it. So, I'm not saving Californians but I guess there are worse tragedies in Texas than California so, we have to deal with people thinking Rick Perry is actually an acceptable candidate and also having to watch Fox News as a real information source which kinda kills me inside. But lets get to the goods of Austin: Great Live Music every night of the week (Live Music Capital of the World), its gotta mean something, Texans know how to cook, and well its nice I'm not freezing my ass off and I moved here in the "dead of winter".

I think I've griped before about how alone and sad I was and how hard it was to live in Chicago and how I wish I had a companion. What a load of shit that was. Right now, I am hoping for change (something Obama promised me almost 4 years ago and has somewhat delivered). I am hoping for that magical fairy to find me a better job and for me never to see a dirty dish again, well other than my own. I am hoping to make new friends and really start enjoying this town. Hardships will always be in your life and its how you overcome them. I was consumed with an overwhelming feeling of sadness and loss of confidence in myself recently and I disliked it. I truly was feeling sad for myself but I had to stop and rethink, "where was I 2 months ago?" I have a hardass as a friend and sometimes you need them. Sometimes you need someone to push your buttons but sometimes you need a cheerleader. You need someone to be in your corner with you and not sucker punching you when you're down. I think that's something I've learned recently I don't want to be that friend that is "too honest" or "tells things how they are" or "the realist" I want to be compassionate and be empathetic. Now, is the time I need a cheerleader, a confidant, a shoulder to cry on. My resources in this town are limited, I didn't go to college here and I don't have slew of friends to call and go and have beer with, I have a handful (and that's stretching it) of people that I can call so please find a way of relating to me. I hate lecturing people on friendship because the way I see it is that you aren't stuck with these people you call friends. If you don't like them for whatever reason you can say "hey, this is just not working anymore" or you can just avoid them like a plague pretty much like any other relationship. I guess when you've been friends with someone for so long you forget that you can do that or perhaps you don't even realize it. The nice thing about friendships is this people come and go and they grow in other relationships and maybe someday you'll get the opportunity to have them back in your life again (which happens to me often). The importance of friendships is what they provide perhaps its someone you share all your secrets with, someone who makes you laugh, a hobby buddy, etc. I mean that's the fantastic thing about friendships they're certainly undefined. I moved to Austin because I have a friend and I've always wanted to live here. I finally moved here and I still have that same friend to push me when I'm lacking in confidence and to make me laugh when I'm feeling down. I'm glad I live in Austin, y'all.

Oldie but Goodie.

I somehow remembered that the first blog post I ever wrote had nothing to do with love, relationships, or anything but having a really good time with some good friends on an amazing trip. This not only shows my true colors but it brings me back to basics. After all I somehow I magically remembered my myspace password and found this little gem. This goes out to anyone who spent a year abroad and still talks about it fondly, especially to those who were there that night. This is for you Rotary Exchange Nederlands 2004-2005, this was us then and us now. 

a quick observation of what happens in rome won't stay in rome

Current mood:happy

Ximena's (Texas USA) version of what happened to Skip:

In the begining God created the heaven and earth followed by Barcardi Breezers, Wine, Beer, few mouthfuls of Sangria and THE SPANISH STEPS. Thus began Skips epic Adventure. In times of trouble we will reaccount the story of what happened that night. For future wisdom of those who travel the road of EUROTOUR in Rome.

 Rome the centre of culture, ancient civilazation, and one very unforgetable night. It began like any other night. The typical getting ready, buying cheap alcohol and finding the perfect spot. Little did we know that the infamous Spanish Steps famous for its guitar players and stress ball penis makers would be the start of a wicked transformaition.after a bit of drinking and meeting strangers, Skip met **Steve Irwin voice* "the most poisonous thing on Earth, the Bacardi Breezer!!!"

 Well, to really know what happened you must have been there but the process of getting from the Spanish Steps back to the Marisa Hotel was one journey that will never be forgotton. It is even more exciting than Frodo's adventure to Mount Doom.
Just as the hobbits walked around barefoot for 3 part 3 hour movie, Our friend Skip decided to do the same. The excitment of the night continued while she continued to fall every couple of meters. She was carried in the arms of her nymphs the Brazilians. Block after block of near death experiences; buses, cars and scooters. We were only two  city blocks from the Hotel when Skip couldn't hold it any longer so she decided to well...mmmm..... how do I say it? Moist herself.

 So barefoot and pissed on while being pissed off her head was what our Skippy would have been discribed as.
 Finally some how Carol managed to get skip into our hotel room and got her to take her soiled pants off. When I arrived Skip looked like Satan had entered her body. She was possesed. To take the devil out of her Carol our Excorsist decided to shower her. Taking her into the shower and drenching her evil soul in pure Roman water. After cursing, head spining and nudity came the crawl of death- or shame. The water came as a shock to our possesed friend, resulting in her running out of the bathroom then slipping onto all fours. She looked like the eighteen year old fetos trying to breath for dear life. Slipping, reaching, fighting being utterly loud and annoying. Finally she made it to her destination spot; Carols bed. After a prayer and Rosary she continued to masturbate with the cross................ oh wait thats a scene from a movie.
 She decided to vomit the demon out of her. While scratching and coughing she finally gave in and distributed all the deadly toxins. On to Carol. And it didn't stop for an hour or so.

 The smell was covered up by Lucy's easy solution of lighting a match then magically the air cleared and flowers bloomed; we were living in a land of faries and Easter. Colour ponies galloped around for ever and ever
AMEN

The aftermath the day after resulted in Skippy waking up, unable to reaccount the night before and questioned how she got in our room. After going though the main actions of the night before Skip replyed with,

"Oh guys I'm honesly so sorry...I'm so ashamed!" -Skip

delayed reply...."You should be!!" Rach, Carol, Ximena and Lucy

For Maayan...

Tonight I had to say to goodbye to one of my best friend's here in Chicago. She's been my rock for the last two years. She knows my secrets, my regrets, my goals, and everything in between. In short I'm going to miss that crazy bitch more than anyone else. For years I had been saying I don't really make friends with girls. I am not one to be friends with a bunch of chicks and then all of sudden I am. I know my blogs are usually about relationships, break-ups and all that other jazz. While I am not breaking up with this person and our friendship will not waver things will change. We will see each other less and time will tell us if the distance changes the dynamic of our friendship. I don't want to dwell in time distance decay theory because I think its utter shit. I don't want to talk about how this the end of an era and how we will grow apart. How this breaks my heart and how I wish I could take her with me.
Instead I'll hold this promise to you Maayan:You will always be the friend that was there to cry with me when I was sad and held me through a really hard patch. You'll be the best shopping buddy I've ever had. You also hold the record of best dates and awesome restaurant experiences. I hope you will always remember fish tacos and margaritas, gilmore girls, and mustache Monday's. I am always a phone call away and when I make a promise I keep it. This isn't the end, this is just the beginning and there is a long road in front of us my friend.
I haven't really cried until tonight because honestly friend...you are the best and I will miss the most.

Thanks and see you soon.

Good Time For A Change...

7 years ago a girl (I knew) scribbled furiously in her journal and she said, I am sad, scared but I know I am embarking in an adventure that will change me forever. 7 years later I am no longer scribbling in that journal or the 3 that were filled with anecdotes of a year lived abroad, stories of a boy that hurt me in high school, or friends and family that I truly missed and didn't quite understand. I am still somehow writing a little more free, less restricted and without compromise. I am still that scared girl embarking on another journey. I am ready for a new adventure and while the last four years in Chicago have been great in every sense, its time for a change.
Last time I wrote in my journal like this I was crying, scared to death of how I was going to change or how moving to the Netherlands was going to make me see things differently. Now, I take moving with a grain of salt. I see it as a new experience. A place where no one knows you and you can start fresh, there are no past perceptions or expectations and you can change anything about yourself.
Yes, moving will be hard and I am leaving behind a great deal of remarkable people that have moved and shaped me in more ways than I can say. I have learned about myself and have grown as a person, daughter, lover, and of course as friend. My devotion to you will not waver and no matter how far I am, I will always be there.
This isn't the craziest or most irrational decision I have ever made, this is a well thought out plan with perhaps poor execution but that's all part of the charm. I am excited and petrified of what is to come.
All I know is that if 17 year old Ximena ever met 24 year old Ximena she would she would give her the ass-kicking of her life and ask her when she lost the ability to have a backbone and her sense of adventure. In that sense I am 17 again, ready to take on the world and show everyone I haven't lost that spark.
Bring it on San Fransisco. Bring it on.

*I will be buying a journal and keeping a daily log like I did so many years ago for one year
**I will take a story, anecdote, etc from each week and turn it into a blog. 365 entries/52 posts.
***Yes, this is a start of a new blog.

"Lets take things day by day"

SPRING BREAK! What a wonderful time of year? Body shots, unwanted tattoos, hook-ups all the mixing of a great MTV show or maybe you take the untraditional route (i.e, you lounge at home and watch the crap they play on MTV). As for me I've always been a fan of just sleeping, eating, and repeating, with occasional showering, (this will have the men running to me, come on over baby). Yes, its been awhile since I last posted something and I don't know if I've somehow become more cynical. If my life is just reaching that turning point. Or perhaps I'm just too busy to care but I have really nothing I want to share.

Except, you might be reading another very similar blog format but about a completely new set of rules. A set of rules that applies to the workplace, professionalism, hospitality, related world. While, I am no Anthony Bourdain I have had my share of crazy guests, even weirder bosses, and the inner workings of hotels, restaurants, and country clubs. At some point all those accounts will come together and I will share all my stories with you. Right now they're rough and perhaps you're thinking well you're relationship stories aren't any better. True, they're probably not I am still learning, recovering, and making my way through life without getting stab in the heart. As for my professional career I hold very true and very dear to my heart and for some reason I can't quite have everyone reading my every heartbreaking and embarrassing anecdote quite yet, it might still be too fresh a wound to pour salt in.

At this point you're thinking WHO CARES about your future blog get to the nitty gritty shit again. Fine.

We've all been in fucked up relationships. Its not a competition of who has the worst relationship and what happened or who did what to who or how did they fuck up. I'm sure we've all dealt with some schmoes that to this day we're probably not all over the damage we went through. I am saying this with the greatest of honesty, why the hell do we get into these relationships? What in our mind makes us say..Oh, sweet druggie, you'll get off the coke and meth for me, won't you? What kind of dark and twisted soul doesn't just shut the door on these fucked up creatures and I actually have the answer to this, you have to be naive. Completely and utterly naive to fall for this person.

Yesterday, a group of friends and I were talking about our past something we do when theres not much else to say (you can obviously tell school has been out for too long), we all had these terrible stories of guys that hurt us and our heart being broken and the terrible things we had to endure. While listening to their stories and my own I realized this was several years ago that I went through this. Since then I had yet to be in relationship that was quite as detrimental but also as effective in my maturity as that one. As if that single relationship matured me from girl to woman. I know this sounds vaguely familiar but I was naive. I started listening to more stories of being attracted to unlikely characters, weird dates, and a relationship that seemed had no potential and I realized I am not in their same boat. Yes, I have romantic notions and I sometimes people think I am wasting my time dating the wrong people. The difference being is that I don't feel naive, vulnerable or out of control. I actually feel the complete opposite. I feel controlling and like I've put a barrier up.

At this point you are thinking, yeah fucking right? A few months ago you wrote a post apologizing to someone but that was the last time I let myself be vulnerable with a guy. We had a history and I wanted it to work. I had this romantic view that we were somehow always suppose to be and I let my guard down for a second. I know it wasn't smart but that's who I am or more like the girl I used to be. The notion proceeds me that I don't want to be hurt, I know no one wants to be hurt but that's the quintessential thing about love. Its a risk.

Right now I am about to take a risk in many aspects. I am scared. I'm vulnerable and I am terrified. I'm also hopeful, excited, and for some reason I feel its a step in the right direction. It has little to do with love but it has to do with me. It's a risk. Maybe this is why right now I don't feel like taking any risks in my love life. I don't want to comprise everything I've worked so hard to get. For it all to fall apart because I am that person who will always choose love before anything else as it has shown in the past it can only deter you from the things you really need to accomplish.

At this time I will take a hint from someone that changed the way I think and follow the mantra that has been in my heart since, "lets take things day by day". Its risk but I think I am willing to take it.

Stupid Cupid.

Happy Valentine's Day. No, I'm not being sarcastic. I really hope everyone had a pleasant day and as much as I know its a Hallmark holiday, I do appreciate the thought that goes behind buying that special someone flowers, candy, gifts, etc to make them feel special on this very commercial holiday. I'm not bitter that I was alone this Valentine's Day. It actually felt very normal. I was surprised on how much it didn't effect me with the exception of one little incident. I had no problem being surrounded by hearts, couples holding hands, cards, and the anticipation of couples having a romantic dinner or plans, what bothered me wasn't the single people being miserable or couples being couples but couples that like to throw being single in your face.

Yes, you know who you are. No, I'm not talking about public displays of attention or couples coupling, I don't care but I do mind the people who say things like, "I feel sorry for you because you're single on Valentine's Day". My question is do they always feel sorry for me because I am not in a relationship or is it only because I'm not with someone on Valentine's Day? More importantly why do they have to feel sorry for me?

I don't carry a grey cloud around me making couples feel miserable, I don't go into their happy little worlds of twos and say 'table for one' and rain on their parade. So please explain why you feel sorry for me?

Would it be nice to have a Valentine? Yes. Would it be nice to be appreciated by someone on a holiday dedicated to "love"? Sure. Am I going to settle? No. Have I become pickier? Maybe. This is a question I asked myself prior to Valentine's Day. Maybe I'm reading too much into this but my instincts are no unnecessarily wrong for a long time I have known a guy who I think has always found me attractive. I've always found him to be a nice guy who I have things in common with but to me its always been he's maybe the right guy but timing has never been right. Again Maybe is the key word in that sentence. After I spent sometime with him during my birthday I realized how not only am I not attracted to him but how there could never be anything between us and again it has a lot to do with timing. Perfectly legit guy, good morals, things in common, but something is missing. I don't feel those butterflies, I don't hear the music and therefore nothing inside me says pursue this person. Maybe a year ago when I wasn't used to being single I would have jumped all over this opportunity. I would have somehow managed to hear the dog whistles but I feel I can do better. I don't need to settle and perhaps I won't have a romantic dinner in a crowded restaurant. And perhaps I won't get a cheesy card or get mad because you don't remember my favorite flowers are tulips. Maybe there won't be any pressure on a random day in February. Perhaps for the first time ever February 14th is just another day on the calender or maybe I'd like to dub it Singles Appreciation Day. A day where singles don't have to worry about all the things someone in a relationship have to worry about. A day where I can still eat a whole box of chocolates and not feel guilty. More importantly a day where it doesn't matter if I'm in committed relationship or if I'm single as long as I'm happy and I'm staying of people who are trying to celebrate V-day on their own terms.

Oh St. Valentine! You have taught me yet another lesson in love.

An Apology

Something unexpected happened this week. Although sick, tired, and often complaining more than I should I somehow managed to surpass what could have quickly become one of the worst weeks of my life. Just one week ago I was upset and weak, I lost someone last week. Someone that well at some point in my life meant something but now, looking back it wasn't that bad. I have found that it wasn't meant to be and I could have probably figured that out earlier with all the signs saying, "do not enter", "dead end", "stop", "proceed with caution" but I see those signs and I often give them the middle finger because well, I'm Ximena. I like to take risks and often I'm looking for love or like in all in the wrong places. C'est la vie.

One of the most unexpected turn of events this week wasn't that I was that heartbroken. It wasn't that I was resilient. Maybe one of the things that bothered me this week was my persistence with this person, I was stubborn when I knew it was over. I wanted the final word and I wanted that apology. Instead, the apology came from a very inexplicable source. It didn't come from the person I wrote that very long post for but instead it came from someone that I have probably mentioned more times in this blog than I should. This person made me feel inexplicably weak for many months last year and I even decided to cut them out of my life for good. Yet, the person I am can't cut people out of her life for some reason (although I did cut a person out last week), but for some reason I wanted to reach out to this particular person. I didn't need the apology. I wasn't expecting the apology. But maybe because I wasn't expecting it and perhaps maybe because I didn't need it, I had reached a place of comfort with this person again, his apology meant something more than just a vague "I'm sorry".

A part of me really didn't want to hear this person apologize to me, maybe because I thought I had been dramatic or it was all in my head. The apology was a slap of reality that I didn't think I deserved. I know I don't need to thank this person for apologizing. I deserved that apology. Its made me a little more complete. Sometimes you don't know how much person can take from you after your done.

When you break up with a person you sometimes take books, cds, t-shirts, etc. as little souvenirs, a reminder you were with that person. I think people take much more than that, they can often take your dignity, pride, self worth, confidence and it takes a long time to get all those things back. This week I got some of that back because of that apology. Perhaps that's why I stopped texting, calling, emailing, I wanted to keep my dignity, pride, self-worth, confidence intact. It'll be sometime until someone can take that away from me again.