Halloween!

Hello fellow followers! I'm sorry for disappearing on you like that, I guess I could lie here and say my life has become hectic and I have a whirlwind of stuff to write but I won't because nothing has really happened. The last posting missed the mark as I was severely angry at a certain someone that still rattles my very core. You know who you are, how can I put this politely,"Bugger off!" Now that's settled lets continue on.

I would love to wish everyone a very happy Hollows Eve. Now as it tradition we will all dress up and stay up drinking libations and will conduct ourselves badly. Lets take into account that every Halloween we all part take in these great traditions but I think that is time that we really should refrain from bad behavior. Yes, we've all had costume malfunctions a la Janet Jackson (Super Bowl fiasco). We've all made bad decisions of going home with Frankenstein and left (his) bride at the party. So this year boys and girls act responsibly. Boys, yes you, I know you all get your hopes up waiting for the only day of the year to dress like a girl, please please don't. Your other homophobic bros might think its great (or hott) that you look like a hot hooters mama but just do yourself a favor and dress up like something else. Anything please!

Girls, I know we all have a little slut brooding inside all of us. Yes, we would love to be that cheap trashy girl in 5 inch heels on the corner selling our bodies for cash...oh you don't? Well then don't dress like a hooker unless you're Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman (and remember Richard Gere wouldn't have taken her anywhere if she didn't know how to drive a shift stick and get a makeover). Please don't take beloved childhood classics like Little Red Riding Hood and turn her into a whore, its in bad taste really. So all of you out there dressing up in Lady Gaga costumes, visiting an era (20s,30s(?),40s,50s,etc), dressing up like your favorite super hero or villain or take a stab at Avatar and I presume a lot of Rocky Horror this year, I salute you. Have a Happy Halloween! Be safe because the last thing we want to read is some terrible news heading that reads the following "Jack o' lantern takes a stab at College Students"Again have fun, be safe, don't puke in pumpkins, and Happy Halloween!

You're So Vain..I Betcha Think This Blog Is About You, Don't You?

Yesterday, I started writing a post about closure. It was how you get to that essential moment of clarity and conformity and you just live or coexist brilliantly with an ex. My prime example was how I have this on going friendship with my ex-boyfriend Carlos. I'm sure there is a lot of people that hate him and there are days I hate him myself but then I realize we're not in a relationship anymore and when I need advice he's always there. He's a great shoulder to cry on and when it comes to friendships I really appreciate him always being there. He could really call it quits and I wouldn't be offended since we haven't seen each other in years. There are others that at this moment, I would love nothing more for them to fall off the face of the Earth. Yes, you know who you are. There are more of these characters on my list everyday.

I give a lot of personal references in these posts. Yes, I do write about some stuff that I am ashamed of doing and perhaps things that I shouldn't say aloud but I do it anyway. My mom said to me when she found that I was writing a blog that, "to write about oneself is to be able to undress your soul". I agree some of the stuff I say in my blog does hurt. I reread some of my posts and most of the time I laugh at myself, other times I say "jeez, what the hell was I thinking?" and most of the time it gives me a great sense that I can share these things when most people would never have the audacity to do this. I share things because like I said this is my outlet and if you don't like the things being said in this blog, don't read it. I'm not writing this blog for any of my ex boyfriends. If you are reading this and you did date me now you know how I feel. I think if you dated me you should have known how I felt then but if you didn't well here it is. I've gotten a lot of comments on my blog I guess some people hate it, others love it and some people find it helpful. I, on the other hand, find it to be something I enjoy doing and I will continue to post personal anecdotes. As painful these things are to write about sometimes I find it the only person that can actually be ashamed or embarrassed is me and as of right now I have nothing that I am ashamed about.
I guess this is what closure is all about.

A Little Explanation

I feel I need to apologize to some of the guys I've called scum in some of my posts. They're not scum, some of their actions, some of their decisions and the way they handled things might be scum but they're not scum. I can say that my decision making was probably poor too. I was probably making rash decisions on things that I wasn't sure of, I think that's what love is sometimes. You get a little blinded by that feeling of lust and something new that you forget all the principles. Then after the relationship is over you focus on all the things that weren't right and you start calling people "scum" or "assholes", when really they probably should be called realist. They realized that the relationship was going nowhere or it wasn't the right time or maybe there was someone else. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I spend a lot of time looking for answers or giving advice and maybe I shouldn't because I don't have my stuff in great shape. One day I'm fantasizing about some guy that is reading the right book at a coffee shop coming over and discussing indie bands and us falling in love and having hipster kids. The next day I'm still trying to shake off the feeling that I can't listen to that Elvis Costello song because it still reminds me of a great time in my life. I've had a lot of people tell me I'm not over some of my relationships but I guess you are never really over people you love. Some of which I can't stop talking to because they're a better friend than they ever were a boyfriend and some that slowly but surely have disappeared when I don't want them to. I guess this blog has become a therapeutic outlet for me. It helps me show my sadness, callousness, and the growth of my emotional stability. The guys in my life weren't horrible people, if anything they were great part of who I am shaping up to be. If it weren't for them I perhaps would never be so ambitious or carefree but I guess I hate sounding like a sap all the time. I want to make sure people understand this blog has no resonance of longing to old relationships, the reason that this blog exists is because of things that happened and what I've learned from them and if that's advice that might help, I'm glad.

Success

Lately I've been thinking how we rate someones success and for that reason I feel people rate you successful in 2 aspects. One would be how much money you have and secondly if you are in a relationship. Now granted the first one is something of merit, something you work hard and you get ahead but the latter is luck. It has nothing to do about how you present yourself or how great you maybe. It has to do if you are at the right place, if you are actually looking for a relationship, and the other person is ready to also be in a relationship with you. This has nothing to do with hard work. I spend a lot of time discussing failures and the process that goes into dealing with these failures. Emotional failures are one of those things that take time to adjust and a lot of time dedicating to bouncing back. I feel the minute people realize you are single you are put in this kind of "loser" bin. People start analyzing you, they start to think about what is wrong with you. I kind of want to say these people, "There is nothing wrong with me!". I have just picked a whole bunch of real losers and now I am being smart, analytical and wise about who to be with. No! there is nothing wrong with being single and guess what I think that makes me more successful than the couple who fights so much because they realize the only thing they have in common is that they both liked that movie with that actor. I'm not saying I want a carbon copy of myself and I am not saying I have not been trying to find a boyfriend. It occurs to me from time to time I don't really want to be alone for the rest of my life. Yet, something also comes to mind that I don't want to be in another dull relationship that isn't going anywhere and I don't want to string someone else along with me when I don't know what's going to happen in the near future. All I'm saying is that being single or being in relationship should qualify the success of a person. I would rather rate someones success on the amount of happiness in their life. Someone who enjoys their life just how it is or is looking to improve on their quality of their success such as loyalty, honesty, caring, career but isn't concentrating on their latest conquest of love. I think I just went up a few points on my success chart, its time to buy or sell, its my choice. I think I'll let it soar.

Best Friend

I think the single thing that drives me the most crazy when my best friend is crying her eyes out telling me that "its over" between her and the asshole her that dumped her, is hearing the next few words being uttered, "but he was my best friend". Yeah, that stings like salt in wound and at that point I turn from sympathetic best friend to very apathetic girl that is watching you cry your eyes out. So in a way of course we want to ideally date our best friend. We want to be friends with a guy and one day realize "Wow! I had never noticed you before, when did you ever get to be so handsome?" Although it has happened to many, most of the time we go into friendships with a bit of optimism that this might one day be an option. Its like in When Harry met Sally, Harry points out guys and girls can't be friends because there is always a sexual tension between them and while I disagree with this statement, I have been one of those girls that started a friendship with a guy (yes, just a friendship) and ended up dating him. Yes, I was also balling my eyes out and saying "but he's suppose to be my best friend".

I guess its been awhile since I've had my heart broken, not that I want to remember how that feels but I do know that during this time you are grasping on to anything. You are so utterly destroyed all you want is perhaps that initial feeling that had nothing to do with your relationship but more with the start the friendship. Perhaps, in your moment of complete confusion you are only focusing on the great parts of the relationship, how it all came to be and its only natural to start at the beginning. I know for every failed relationship I've ever had I can't really remember the in between part but the beginning and the end are picture clear. I can remember first dates, first kiss, even the first time I heard the words "I love you". I remember how things were right when I wasn't dating, the person who I was, what I wanted at that particular moment in my life, perhaps even the band that was playing repeatedly on my iPod. And because I am fond of writing this blog I remember every intricate detail of the dissolution of the relationship, the fights leading up to it, the distance, and of course dealing with the heartache afterwards. I don't regret much but I do regret calling this person my best friend when I know that if any of my friends broke my heart time and time again I would not call them my best friend. I would never be friends with someone who lies to me or cheats but I am willing to be friends with this person if I was in a relationship with them, why?

I hope one day I don't meet prince charming or someone who sweeps me off my feet. I'd much rather hope for one day for my best friend to meet the guy who will be my partner in crime, life and for her to say "Ah, you've met your match".

As for you Missy crying your eyes out calling out for your best friend, stop your crying your friend is the one giving you the tissue and thinking of 20 ways of how to kill the person who made you feel this way.

Anna Karenina

I've written about the feeling of uncertainty and letting yourself feel sad and some days are better than others and its all part of the process. I also expressed my sappy feelings about remembering the good times, that not everything was a Lifetime film and there are cute moments.

I guess what I'm saying is that one day you wake up and the crying stops. The little things that you couldn't do become easier and yes you will have set backs. I think I'm at the part of not feeling very much right now. I have become relationship apathetic. I have even utter phrases like "I don't know if I believe in love." So for saying those things out loud I am forcing myself to read the greatest (or longest) love story of all times, Anna Karenina. That's right an 800 page novel to teach me a lesson or two about love.

I guess me sitting around and blogging about chopsticks became a little trivial this morning. I was thinking of great love stories like Romeo and Juliet, they committed suicide. Anna Karenina jumped in front of a train. Helen of Troy, had had a major war over her and epic poem. So, I'm not saying that I need to have a weird murder suicide with my lover or to get hit by bus or a war. These things are tremendously tragic but I want more than just thinking that chopsticks are romantic. I'm not ready for someone to write me poetry or serenade me, that to me its just weird. But how about John Cusack in Say Anything with the boom box in the rain. Or Jake Ryan at the end of 16 Candles waiting for Molly Ringwald. Or Ferris Bueller proposing to his girlfriend Sloan just because he knew he was in love with her and couldn't live without her. That kind of John Hughes romance is what I'm looking for but not yet. I'm not ready for Danke Schoen in the middle of a parade but maybe just maybe when I finish reading Anna Karenina and half a dozen other romantic novels I might want to have a romance where I won't have to be blogging about failures but rather figuring out how I got so lucky.

Chopsticks

It has come to my attention that some of my readers think I'm still pining away at my old relationships. That I am somehow sitting at home, eating pints of Ben and Jerry's, and crying myself deeply to sleep while listening to Celine Dion (and then blog about it). As much as I should have been doing that I take a more proactive approach to self destruction that does not include the latter. I'd much rather look really hot and go out to bar to get hit on by strangers than cry myself to sleep. I have taken it upon myself to drink and go out a lot but to be honest it still takes a whole lot of you to do this when you're feeling miserable.

Anyway this blog isn't about breaking up and how to deal with it. Its about relationships as a whole. Which comes to my next point: Chopsticks.

Chopsticks.

It always seems to be the case that when you are falling out of love your friends seem to be falling in it. Which makes you feel in one word, lonely. You look all around you and they're holding hands, they have pet names for one another, and you're thinking gag the only thing crossing my mind right now is how not to kick that puppy or make that baby cry. Then your doe eyed friend looks at you and says "You'll get better, why don't you focus on all the great little things that make a relationship". So instead of saying "No!" I'd rather go and stick my head in the oven Sylvia Plath style, I thought back at all the things in my life that made me say, "yes, this is why I really liked you."

Which brings us to chopsticks. Believe me I've had really decent guys in my life. I've had really nice presents and cute cards and amazing dinners but I'm not materialistic. So while the presents and dinners are nice touches, little things mean so much more to me. My freshman year of college I lived with my first roommate Anastasia and even though we had a little in common I thought we had a really great living situation so it was odd that one day she just decided to move out. I was a little torn but I had too much going on to really think about it. So when I realized all the cookware was hers and she had taken all the silverware I resorted to using chopsticks from Panda Express. I ate everything with them and I got to be very skilled with a set of chopsticks. Once my neighbor, then pal, and not yet ex boyfriend found me eating with chopsticks he brought me a set of silverware so I could at least eat my cereal with a spoon but later that evening he knocked on my door and brought me a set of plastic reusable chopsticks from Chinatown. I can say some terrible things about him and I think I have mentioned a few on this particular blog. I know we had our ups and downs and we're not exactly friends right but when people ask me why I dated him, I always end it with chopsticks.

* Again I am not pining away at old feelings. Looking back and remembering good stuff isn't a horrible thing. Yes, I'm going to say it, its part of the process. I have come to the state of mind that I can remember great memories and not feel like I need to dive myself into a gin and tonic. I have reached the point that I'm okay at remembering the good, the bad and the ugly because its all part of the relationship process. I'm okay, really. *