I'm Back!

I've decided to give this a shot once again, and its not because my adoring fans are asking for more which they aren't. I've decided I know shit piss dick about love and I'm not afraid of it anymore. There are no rules and if there are they are 100% made to be broken. So all you lonelies out there playing by some playbook put it down and go look for dance partner, movie buddy, pint friend or whatever you want to call them but call them and don't wait 3 days to call them back again if you liked them, fucking just call them.

Now that I got that out of my system. Lets get back to nitty gritty. I started this back when I was naively out of relationship that took a lot out of me and blindly fell for someone who maybe didn't feel exactly the way I did for him. After all that I went on a lot of dates, a lot of people who had potential but fell short because of the dating game. Then, I moved and I started writing about my new relationship which was falling in love with a new city and making friendships and how being a transplant is really hard.
Finally, I promised to date 52 guys and I DID...Not.

When I moved here I wanted to find a friend someone who understood me and could watch marathons of series with me, who wanted to go out dancing, party, have a good time. Someone who liked nice cooked meals but wouldn't mind getting a drink on a Tuesday night. I have found that, and things are not 100% perfect because nothing in life really is. Things get messy, complicated and people fight and sometimes you hate each other but at the end of the day I know that while I'm a transplant in a newish town, I have that person to go home to.

I know I said I wanted my soul mate but what the fuck do I know. Are there even soul mates? The people I dated in my past I wanted so badly to mold them I wanted to make them into something they weren't. I romanticized relationships and made things into what I wanted them to be. No, I'm not a sociopath and yes, sure I run into head first into things but isn't that what life is. Life is a series of risks and if you just sit there not taking any, don't you just let life pass you by. At 27 years old I know I haven't hardly taken all the risks but when it comes to people I love, friendships, relationships I risk everything. I put it all on the table. Its there for the taking.

I got to thinking about this blog today, when a friend approached  me and told me what she was going through. I thought to myself, I want to console her and tell her it gets better. Wounds become scars and even scars fade. Yes, right now it feels terrible it feels like blood is gushing everywhere and you are going to bleed out but you won't. You'll pick yourself up and put on a band-aid because that's the best you can do, even when you are oozing blood and guess what you won't die. You'll feel the pain and there will be days you feel good and others where you just want to shut the whole world out but it gets better with time. It hurts because when you fall in love, you let yourself be vulnerable with that person assuming and naively thinking they won't hurt you, you're untouchable. Then when they turn around and tell you its over, you feel out of control, confused, overwhelmed, "How could they do this?", they almost gave you an unspoken promise and broke it. Nothing is certain. Nothing is 100% guarantee, and one day maybe it'll be you on the other side saying, "its not working out".

So with all this uncertainty, the idea that there isn't a perfect someone out there, and blood everywhere, how do I stay optimistic? How do I keep a level head and not romanticize it all? I do, to a certain point believe in the idea of living coexisting in someones life, being part of that brief history of them. That's all you can do. One day you'll find someone who wants you to be part of their story. It may be not clear, it might be complicated, messy, but its your story with them and at the end of the day that's what you want. You want to be a character in someones story.

My Body is a Wonderland

This Blog has been used to talk about my relationship with friends, lovers, and etc. One of the topics I have never touched on is my relationship I have with food or better yet with my body. I don't believe in discipline or rules, I don't believe in rigorous exercise or dieting and I love food. I sometimes do things in excess and binge on food and alcohol. Perhaps, its not the healthy lifestyle, especially coming from someone that is in short, Vain.
I do like looking pretty and it is rare I will leave my house without doing my make up and hair. Anyone, that knows me, knows that if I'm in "casual" attire something has happened. I'm not going to sit here and say Austin has changed me but in a way it has. I do support local, try to be more active and of course spend more time in the sun. The last year I have battled with adult acne and I have been taking accutane for the last 3 months. I also have hypothyroidism which means it is very hard for me to maintain a certain weight and much less lose weight. These are not excuses just facts.
In the latest craze I've decided to "juice". No, not fasting nor doing it in excess. I did go home and bring back the equivalent of 1 week worth of juice. I drink 2 to 3 juices a day and have one light meal, which I have felt less bloated and have lost weight rather quickly following this diet alone.
Going back to the vanity bit. I'm 26 and I can see little wrinkles forming in places they weren't before, I cried when I saw my first strand of grey hair, and due to my condition and age I know exercise alone does not cut it. I need a lifestyle change which is hard as I love pizza, beer, and fried food just like any other American.
So, now comes my relationship with my body. As you may know my relationships in general are passionate, intense, and uncompromised of rules. Same thing goes for my relationship with my body. There are weeks where I am very kind and treat correctly, balanced diet, no drinking, exercising. Then, there are weeks where I eat like a trash can and fill it with fast food, beer, alcohol in excess, and no exercise, because honestly I hate going to the gym. Its easy to live this kind of life of excess and not take the time to eat right and exercise, this why we have so many fat Americans. The reason I am not 300 lbs is my vanity. I would never want to wear a size 10 or have to buy a large shirt, especially since I am 5ft tall. Also, I don't like eating and spending crazy amounts on food that isn't good for me. I am also very impatient and like everyone else is looking for quick fix and easy solution. I haven't found the cure all or do I even believe I can embark in a long term journey with being a health guru but what I do want to promise my readers is this, I want to do an extreme diet and see if it works. I want to break through all the myths and the faux pas and really see if this shit actually works. The juicing thing true believer, expensive but really is good for you and yes if you fast I'm sure you can really lose weight.
My next big feat is this diet I found online. Its a 7 day diet that promises you to lose 10-17 lbs. Am I skeptic, Yes. Am I going to do it to the T, I'm going to try. You can't be skeptic and sit on the sidelines you have to be out there in the game.
I'm not going to give the full details of the diet in this post. Instead, I'm going to give you a daily breakdown of what the diet consists of, the rational behind it, how I felt on that particular day, what I ate, how much it cost, and my feelings on the following day.
I know extreme dieting isn't healthy but its a quick way to get a jump start on a lifestyle change.

Happy dieting!

The Year Of The Boot

So, this whole time I thought I'd Carrie Bradshaw my way through a blog and meet interesting charismatic fellows and live this glamorous lifestyle and wear $500 shoes. Reality check! If you have a blog seriously like 12 people read it and I'd like to thank those that do take the time to read my crazy rants about life.

In all fairness, life isn't like Sex and the City. I own $20 shoes from target and I eat Taco Bell on a good day. My glamorous nights out include me going to local dive bar Barbarella's and dancing my face off with some sweaty stranger. I guess this would make for a more interesting Sex and The City, where hot dogs are considered fine dining and everyone is trying to be indie and hip.

I promised myself in 2013 I'd date more and write about it and live day by day and no more crazy Filofax planners with incomprehensible writing. So, I came up with this plan, probably drunk, about how I'm statistically single so if I have a larger pool I'd be able to find a match. I called this crazy social experiment Das Boot, basically test subject (person I'm dating) has a week to show signs of attraction and after the week is up if no chemistry or spark or ignition has flared they get, 'das boot'. So catastrophically speaking I date 52 guys, best case scenario I find someone.

So, with that being said let the year of Das Boot commence because no one is going to say Ximena you just didn't put your best forward because my response will be a "these boots are made for walking and that's just what they'll do one of these days these boots will walk all over you" translation I don't have a pair of $500 Manolo Blahnik but I do have boots.

The Dating Games

I started reading some old posts to get some inspiration for some new ones. The 2 favorites have always been Single and Looking...Just Single and Welcome To The Dark Side. I have often found these to be my security blankets of this blog. They speak volumes of what I've been through in the last several years without sounding like an overplayed record. Yes, drunk debauchery and lots of single dates that went nowhere. I still write about the same things which brings me to the conclusion that perhaps I haven't changed very much in the last few years and I am stuck in this rut because I refuse to change. I continue to face the situations much like a crazy person trying the same thing time and time again expecting different results. The girl who wrote those two posts was very clear, concise and optimistic.
In Single and Looking..Just Single, I write about not finding Prince Charming because he probably wears too much cologne but maybe I should be thinking about how I need to be less pushy, less available and more willing to date outside my normal "type" which is obviously not Prince Charming because I've never really been into clean cut types but more artistic fellows, someone rough around the edges who I can clean up if the time is right, and what is this DIY project fascination with guys, at this point I should be installing window treatments, not fixing a guys. This is the reason I am perhaps single and another thing I keep dating these guys who are completely unavailable and I don't mean they're married but they're emotionally unavailable. I keep dating guys who I assume one day will wake up and say "Oh, I am ready to be in a committed relationship" instead of dating guys who are already there. There are guys out there that think, "Hey, I really want a girlfriend." Those are the guys I should be dating, those are the guys, I should be seeking but no, of course not I like the ones that are the "challenge" and that's just the reason I am still here writing this blog and sitting at home shaking my fist at the world (couples, mainly). Have I become a little cynical? Yes. Everyday that passes and get closer to being a spinster, do I get a little sad? Yes. Will I give up on my quest to find the guy who finds this and I mean all of this attractive and doesn't go running for the hills? Probably not but for now I am glad I don't believe I am in self-sabotage mode. I know I probably have a few more years of heartache and maybe then I'll throw in the towel and go into spinsterhood but until then let the dating games begin, and may the odds be in my favor (damn,statistics).

An update on my 30 challenge is upon us.

30 days.

 Well, I know you guys are used to reading my rants about relationships, how hard they are, how I've overcome them, and the losers I've dated briefly. Don't worry this will be in here too but for now, I want to challenge myself in a different way. I want to change my appearance from the inside out.

Goal

I will be reading a book a week, running at least a mile a day, perhaps doing a physical activity (roller blading, rock climbing, segway, dancing, etc.), and of course cutting all junk food and carbonated beverages yes, this includes beer. So for the 4 weeks, I will tell you exactly what I have read, done, perhaps even eaten. Every few days I will post something which has either proven to be a challenge or something I have learned basically I will be creating a live journal through the next 30 days.

About Myself

 If you know anything about me is how much I hate to exercise and how much I love to eat, so that in itself will prove challenging. Why are you doing this?The answer is simple: now, I feel is the time to focus on me. I have focused a lot of attention on other people over the years. I also think it might make me overcome some of my self doubt and make me feel more confidant.

Readers/Followers if you would...

If you guys want to help me in the next 30 days please be sure to post comments and if you have any ideas of great healthy meals, activities, or books I should be reading please make sure to comment. Without you this will be a greater challenge, you guys are the reason I continue to do this. 

Thank you everyone and happy reading. 

Adjustment

I am a chronically bad dater. Well, that's obvious. If I had a good relationship I would have a blog called: "In a relationship: stereotypical stories of an awesome couple." Instead, I have this, which in fact can be fun. Sometimes, I get down on myself and I say I can't do this anymore. I am just going to quit and face the fact that I am going to be alone forever with my cat. Which wouldn't be much of blog but I guess that one would be called: "Super SINGLE: Stereotypical stories of my awesome cat".
On that note, I guess I will share my latest nugget of bad graces. Moving to a new city is rough. You have a new job, you have to find new hang out spots, find new friends, face new weather, adapt, to sum it up. I have done it rather gracefully here in Austin. I've found some nice hang out spots and have made new friends and have actually actively dated more than any other place I have lived. On that note I have dated some winners (not). The latest was a guy who I thought I had stuff in common just ran for the hills. Like literally FREAKED THE FUCK OUT! I don't mean that lightly. We had pretty amazing dates that were working out and just being an insecure wreck that I am; I found myself asking him a very simple question which then internalized a tangent of other questions. You are probably thinking, what did this demonic girl ask this poor sensitive boy? Well, I asked him this, "what do you think of me?" which he answered with "I like you" without missing a beat which I pondered and asked "In what way.." knowing exactly what he was going to answer but instead I went snowballing a very simple question into something much more which caused a confusing state of awkwardness between me and this guy. Killing any chances of going out with him which sucks because well A. he liked me and B. he was really nice, which is much more than any other guy I have dated in the city.
I think I have put myself in the same situation time and time again, perhaps I am not ready to be in a relationship? Maybe, I put myself in these predicaments because I want to self-sabotage the situation. I'm not saying that I don't like the attention guys normally show me. I am not saying that I don't like going on these dates and getting to know these boys and for them to get to know me a little better. I'm not saying that but first dates are always weird, they're a weird mix of interview/bragging which I can never nail. I can also say this, right now its a time of adjustment. I just moved to this city. These are all silly excuses but if the the right guy walks into my life, I'm not going to ruin it by my sincere insecurities. For now, I'll enjoy the many things Austin has to offer. I am not too worried about  the dating scene as it really is easy for me here. Yes, I have a soul and yes, I was a little crushed yesterday when this happened. I do have a lot of emotions and get sad, upset and all girlie from time to time but every time this happens it becomes easier. I know that something better will come and I also know that I will know it in my bones when it comes my way. Every bit of rejection makes me stronger and every guy that runs from something good isn't worth holding on to. The right guy will come when I am least expecting it and will fight and show me that we belong together and not freak the fuck out. On that note, Single and Looking will continue to be the place I post more heinous stories about bad dates, dating advice, and anything else weird.

Story Time

I have always given you honest blog posts of what is going on in my life and its not like lately I haven't given you honesty or have deviated from where I started but I have perhaps been vague. The themes have become the story rather than the story being the story. In other words, I think its time to participate in Ximena story time which is always a way of saying something fucked up happened to me so listen to this everyone you  will learn a lesson.
I went on date with this guy named, Mike. Mike was someone that I met online, (nothing wrong with that by the way). Mike was a nerdy dude in his late 20s who was probably looking for a serious something or another. I'm mostly on dating sites to make friends and I am very clear about my intentions. That's a different theme I'll touch on later. Back to the story I should have known from the first meeting that I should probably not see this guy, leading someone on is wrong (yet another theme I'd like to cover later) but I did anyway. I finally met him a second time around. The second time around we met a group of people that were sitting at a table next to us (2 guys and a girl). They were obviously drunk, funny, hipsters and thought while my date is lame this table is actually a whole lot of fun. I made friends and started just having a friendly discussion. My date Mike seemed uncomfortable and I shifted my body to face this table. I stopped looking at Mike and concentrated on my new acquired friends (I know, not cool). I actually started to think the guy next to me (Cody) was very good looking and my conversation continued with this guy for a while, less on my date, less with the other 2 and more and more with this pedicab driver. The other 2 at the table said they had to leave and I was left with Mike and Cody, at this point I excused myself went to the bathroom and when I returned no one was at the table. I saw Cody getting on his bike and refusing to make eye contact. I saw Mike, beside himself standing like a proud peacock. He apparently told pedicab guy to back off and to stop talking to me etc. (jealous bastard = unattractive jerkface).
A few days later I see pedicab guy at my job and I say hello. He stopped by 5 times in the 2 days. I was thrilled, hot,hipster pedicab guy driver wasn't just a drunk talking to me. In the mean time I told Mike to go fly a kite and I was proud of myself for doing such an honest thing. We didn't have anything in common and he's right, I held more of connection with pedicab guy.
This is the part I believe in karma. Cody asked for my number and to hang out. We hung out, we had a beer, we went "dancing" and then I went home. I haven't heard from him.

Points I'm trying to make:
1. Online dating is for everyone especially if you just moved to a new city
2. Always trust your gut and there is no need for second chances if your heart doesn't sing move on
3. Meeting someone at a bar does not equal a soul mate
4. Guys stop playing by stupid rules and text a girl when she texts you its stupid to play coy
5. Girls stop worrying if a guy is gonna text you who gives a shit
6. Don't over step boundaries
7. If you are not feeling it, tell the other party involved and don't just ignore it. Closure is important.
8. Dancing is important
9. Jealousy is not sexy
10. Words of wisdom from Zach Jacob resonate when I meet assholes..."Fuck that guy." are words to live by.


I like my adventures in single-hood. I'll take a weird night over a normal night and perhaps I'm not the best judge in character. I care too much what others think and I believe in karma. That's all from one little short story, bring it J.D. Salinger!

Dear Readers,

I will never understand boys and one would remark, something along the lines of  you haven't met a real man. This is inexcusable because while I'd like to say I am a woman, I still consider myself very much a girl. Plus, its the story of boy meets girl anyway.
 I think men say that they have it difficult to get into the mind set of a woman, I can't seem to wrap my mind around boys, their thoughts, their reasoning behind the things they do. Yes, girls sometimes play the opposite game and we love to talk about our emotions, feelings. We are all wrapped up in this emotional blanket, not all, I am. In that same breath I hate overly emotional guys, guys with PMS tendency and short fuses, its not sexy. I'd like for a man to tell me whats going through his mind the first time we meet and perhaps blunt, not waste my time. I hate playing these rules we've all set up for ourselves, 3 dates, "talking", hooking up. The games we play and the "Oh, I can't talk to you right away", because I'll seem to desperate or even the catching up to be 'polite'.The last time I had a true connection with a guy, not physical, a true emotional bond was high school. When back then I would spend hours on the phone talking to my "best friend" and trying to be more than just a friend. He never saw me that way or he did but he respected me in a way, I haven't been respected in years. We were kids and now we probably wouldn't be friends, too much has happened. There are guys that I'm friends with but something always is in the back of my mind is that men and women cannot just be friends. We do have that sexual attraction and even if we don't want to be involved, something in those relationships always is there. I can't explain it.
Can someone please just give me a straight answer and stop giving me the go-around? If you like me, tell me you like me. If you don't, don't fuck around and just say this isn't going anywhere. I'm okay with it really, I've survived a lot worse. Another thing what is all this bullshit going around of not wanting to be in a relationship, "friends with benefits". Getting your dick wet isn't filling a hole in your emotional destitute. I know you have commitment issues but if you can sign a 2 year contract with a cellphone company you can have a relationship, it is in your DNA.
Yes, this is me going on another rant. Yes, this is me a little pissed off at 'man' kind. Yes, this is me putting another post online that people will probably think I'm more of an emotional wreck. Here it is. I don't get it. I don't understand games, friendships with boys, friends with benefits, relationships, connections, dates, I am completely clueless. 10 years ago I thought I would understand this by now. By now, I'd find the man, boy, male species that would define these things and while I have had some great insight it always makes me more confused, more irritated that I haven't found it. For all of you that have, congrats and hold on, they're rare in between.

Is that the Austin Motel Sign or are you just happy to see me?

I'm back!!!

Getting my shit together has been tougher than I thought. I mean honestly, I thought I was going to go back home to Texas, I was going to find this amazing job in San Francisco in a month tops and I was going to move there and all these magical unicorns were going to whisk me off to the sunset as the prodigal daughter coming back to save California from evils like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Paris Hilton and other tragedies of the state. Instead, I stayed unemployed in Del Rio, Texas for 3 months which seemed like forever. Then, I found myself moving to Austin and buying a car which I promised myself I would never do but, I did. Getting a job as a waitress which I promised myself I'd never go back to doing but I have to right now to make ends meet and to top things off I live alone. Alone really alone, like no cat or dog, fish or any living creature lives with me and while I have lived in places where I've felt alone, this is a first for me and I'm not 100% sure how to feel about it. So, I'm not saving Californians but I guess there are worse tragedies in Texas than California so, we have to deal with people thinking Rick Perry is actually an acceptable candidate and also having to watch Fox News as a real information source which kinda kills me inside. But lets get to the goods of Austin: Great Live Music every night of the week (Live Music Capital of the World), its gotta mean something, Texans know how to cook, and well its nice I'm not freezing my ass off and I moved here in the "dead of winter".

I think I've griped before about how alone and sad I was and how hard it was to live in Chicago and how I wish I had a companion. What a load of shit that was. Right now, I am hoping for change (something Obama promised me almost 4 years ago and has somewhat delivered). I am hoping for that magical fairy to find me a better job and for me never to see a dirty dish again, well other than my own. I am hoping to make new friends and really start enjoying this town. Hardships will always be in your life and its how you overcome them. I was consumed with an overwhelming feeling of sadness and loss of confidence in myself recently and I disliked it. I truly was feeling sad for myself but I had to stop and rethink, "where was I 2 months ago?" I have a hardass as a friend and sometimes you need them. Sometimes you need someone to push your buttons but sometimes you need a cheerleader. You need someone to be in your corner with you and not sucker punching you when you're down. I think that's something I've learned recently I don't want to be that friend that is "too honest" or "tells things how they are" or "the realist" I want to be compassionate and be empathetic. Now, is the time I need a cheerleader, a confidant, a shoulder to cry on. My resources in this town are limited, I didn't go to college here and I don't have slew of friends to call and go and have beer with, I have a handful (and that's stretching it) of people that I can call so please find a way of relating to me. I hate lecturing people on friendship because the way I see it is that you aren't stuck with these people you call friends. If you don't like them for whatever reason you can say "hey, this is just not working anymore" or you can just avoid them like a plague pretty much like any other relationship. I guess when you've been friends with someone for so long you forget that you can do that or perhaps you don't even realize it. The nice thing about friendships is this people come and go and they grow in other relationships and maybe someday you'll get the opportunity to have them back in your life again (which happens to me often). The importance of friendships is what they provide perhaps its someone you share all your secrets with, someone who makes you laugh, a hobby buddy, etc. I mean that's the fantastic thing about friendships they're certainly undefined. I moved to Austin because I have a friend and I've always wanted to live here. I finally moved here and I still have that same friend to push me when I'm lacking in confidence and to make me laugh when I'm feeling down. I'm glad I live in Austin, y'all.

Oldie but Goodie.

I somehow remembered that the first blog post I ever wrote had nothing to do with love, relationships, or anything but having a really good time with some good friends on an amazing trip. This not only shows my true colors but it brings me back to basics. After all I somehow I magically remembered my myspace password and found this little gem. This goes out to anyone who spent a year abroad and still talks about it fondly, especially to those who were there that night. This is for you Rotary Exchange Nederlands 2004-2005, this was us then and us now. 

a quick observation of what happens in rome won't stay in rome

Current mood:happy

Ximena's (Texas USA) version of what happened to Skip:

In the begining God created the heaven and earth followed by Barcardi Breezers, Wine, Beer, few mouthfuls of Sangria and THE SPANISH STEPS. Thus began Skips epic Adventure. In times of trouble we will reaccount the story of what happened that night. For future wisdom of those who travel the road of EUROTOUR in Rome.

 Rome the centre of culture, ancient civilazation, and one very unforgetable night. It began like any other night. The typical getting ready, buying cheap alcohol and finding the perfect spot. Little did we know that the infamous Spanish Steps famous for its guitar players and stress ball penis makers would be the start of a wicked transformaition.after a bit of drinking and meeting strangers, Skip met **Steve Irwin voice* "the most poisonous thing on Earth, the Bacardi Breezer!!!"

 Well, to really know what happened you must have been there but the process of getting from the Spanish Steps back to the Marisa Hotel was one journey that will never be forgotton. It is even more exciting than Frodo's adventure to Mount Doom.
Just as the hobbits walked around barefoot for 3 part 3 hour movie, Our friend Skip decided to do the same. The excitment of the night continued while she continued to fall every couple of meters. She was carried in the arms of her nymphs the Brazilians. Block after block of near death experiences; buses, cars and scooters. We were only two  city blocks from the Hotel when Skip couldn't hold it any longer so she decided to well...mmmm..... how do I say it? Moist herself.

 So barefoot and pissed on while being pissed off her head was what our Skippy would have been discribed as.
 Finally some how Carol managed to get skip into our hotel room and got her to take her soiled pants off. When I arrived Skip looked like Satan had entered her body. She was possesed. To take the devil out of her Carol our Excorsist decided to shower her. Taking her into the shower and drenching her evil soul in pure Roman water. After cursing, head spining and nudity came the crawl of death- or shame. The water came as a shock to our possesed friend, resulting in her running out of the bathroom then slipping onto all fours. She looked like the eighteen year old fetos trying to breath for dear life. Slipping, reaching, fighting being utterly loud and annoying. Finally she made it to her destination spot; Carols bed. After a prayer and Rosary she continued to masturbate with the cross................ oh wait thats a scene from a movie.
 She decided to vomit the demon out of her. While scratching and coughing she finally gave in and distributed all the deadly toxins. On to Carol. And it didn't stop for an hour or so.

 The smell was covered up by Lucy's easy solution of lighting a match then magically the air cleared and flowers bloomed; we were living in a land of faries and Easter. Colour ponies galloped around for ever and ever
AMEN

The aftermath the day after resulted in Skippy waking up, unable to reaccount the night before and questioned how she got in our room. After going though the main actions of the night before Skip replyed with,

"Oh guys I'm honesly so sorry...I'm so ashamed!" -Skip

delayed reply...."You should be!!" Rach, Carol, Ximena and Lucy

For Maayan...

Tonight I had to say to goodbye to one of my best friend's here in Chicago. She's been my rock for the last two years. She knows my secrets, my regrets, my goals, and everything in between. In short I'm going to miss that crazy bitch more than anyone else. For years I had been saying I don't really make friends with girls. I am not one to be friends with a bunch of chicks and then all of sudden I am. I know my blogs are usually about relationships, break-ups and all that other jazz. While I am not breaking up with this person and our friendship will not waver things will change. We will see each other less and time will tell us if the distance changes the dynamic of our friendship. I don't want to dwell in time distance decay theory because I think its utter shit. I don't want to talk about how this the end of an era and how we will grow apart. How this breaks my heart and how I wish I could take her with me.
Instead I'll hold this promise to you Maayan:You will always be the friend that was there to cry with me when I was sad and held me through a really hard patch. You'll be the best shopping buddy I've ever had. You also hold the record of best dates and awesome restaurant experiences. I hope you will always remember fish tacos and margaritas, gilmore girls, and mustache Monday's. I am always a phone call away and when I make a promise I keep it. This isn't the end, this is just the beginning and there is a long road in front of us my friend.
I haven't really cried until tonight because honestly friend...you are the best and I will miss the most.

Thanks and see you soon.

Good Time For A Change...

7 years ago a girl (I knew) scribbled furiously in her journal and she said, I am sad, scared but I know I am embarking in an adventure that will change me forever. 7 years later I am no longer scribbling in that journal or the 3 that were filled with anecdotes of a year lived abroad, stories of a boy that hurt me in high school, or friends and family that I truly missed and didn't quite understand. I am still somehow writing a little more free, less restricted and without compromise. I am still that scared girl embarking on another journey. I am ready for a new adventure and while the last four years in Chicago have been great in every sense, its time for a change.
Last time I wrote in my journal like this I was crying, scared to death of how I was going to change or how moving to the Netherlands was going to make me see things differently. Now, I take moving with a grain of salt. I see it as a new experience. A place where no one knows you and you can start fresh, there are no past perceptions or expectations and you can change anything about yourself.
Yes, moving will be hard and I am leaving behind a great deal of remarkable people that have moved and shaped me in more ways than I can say. I have learned about myself and have grown as a person, daughter, lover, and of course as friend. My devotion to you will not waver and no matter how far I am, I will always be there.
This isn't the craziest or most irrational decision I have ever made, this is a well thought out plan with perhaps poor execution but that's all part of the charm. I am excited and petrified of what is to come.
All I know is that if 17 year old Ximena ever met 24 year old Ximena she would she would give her the ass-kicking of her life and ask her when she lost the ability to have a backbone and her sense of adventure. In that sense I am 17 again, ready to take on the world and show everyone I haven't lost that spark.
Bring it on San Fransisco. Bring it on.

*I will be buying a journal and keeping a daily log like I did so many years ago for one year
**I will take a story, anecdote, etc from each week and turn it into a blog. 365 entries/52 posts.
***Yes, this is a start of a new blog.

"Lets take things day by day"

SPRING BREAK! What a wonderful time of year? Body shots, unwanted tattoos, hook-ups all the mixing of a great MTV show or maybe you take the untraditional route (i.e, you lounge at home and watch the crap they play on MTV). As for me I've always been a fan of just sleeping, eating, and repeating, with occasional showering, (this will have the men running to me, come on over baby). Yes, its been awhile since I last posted something and I don't know if I've somehow become more cynical. If my life is just reaching that turning point. Or perhaps I'm just too busy to care but I have really nothing I want to share.

Except, you might be reading another very similar blog format but about a completely new set of rules. A set of rules that applies to the workplace, professionalism, hospitality, related world. While, I am no Anthony Bourdain I have had my share of crazy guests, even weirder bosses, and the inner workings of hotels, restaurants, and country clubs. At some point all those accounts will come together and I will share all my stories with you. Right now they're rough and perhaps you're thinking well you're relationship stories aren't any better. True, they're probably not I am still learning, recovering, and making my way through life without getting stab in the heart. As for my professional career I hold very true and very dear to my heart and for some reason I can't quite have everyone reading my every heartbreaking and embarrassing anecdote quite yet, it might still be too fresh a wound to pour salt in.

At this point you're thinking WHO CARES about your future blog get to the nitty gritty shit again. Fine.

We've all been in fucked up relationships. Its not a competition of who has the worst relationship and what happened or who did what to who or how did they fuck up. I'm sure we've all dealt with some schmoes that to this day we're probably not all over the damage we went through. I am saying this with the greatest of honesty, why the hell do we get into these relationships? What in our mind makes us say..Oh, sweet druggie, you'll get off the coke and meth for me, won't you? What kind of dark and twisted soul doesn't just shut the door on these fucked up creatures and I actually have the answer to this, you have to be naive. Completely and utterly naive to fall for this person.

Yesterday, a group of friends and I were talking about our past something we do when theres not much else to say (you can obviously tell school has been out for too long), we all had these terrible stories of guys that hurt us and our heart being broken and the terrible things we had to endure. While listening to their stories and my own I realized this was several years ago that I went through this. Since then I had yet to be in relationship that was quite as detrimental but also as effective in my maturity as that one. As if that single relationship matured me from girl to woman. I know this sounds vaguely familiar but I was naive. I started listening to more stories of being attracted to unlikely characters, weird dates, and a relationship that seemed had no potential and I realized I am not in their same boat. Yes, I have romantic notions and I sometimes people think I am wasting my time dating the wrong people. The difference being is that I don't feel naive, vulnerable or out of control. I actually feel the complete opposite. I feel controlling and like I've put a barrier up.

At this point you are thinking, yeah fucking right? A few months ago you wrote a post apologizing to someone but that was the last time I let myself be vulnerable with a guy. We had a history and I wanted it to work. I had this romantic view that we were somehow always suppose to be and I let my guard down for a second. I know it wasn't smart but that's who I am or more like the girl I used to be. The notion proceeds me that I don't want to be hurt, I know no one wants to be hurt but that's the quintessential thing about love. Its a risk.

Right now I am about to take a risk in many aspects. I am scared. I'm vulnerable and I am terrified. I'm also hopeful, excited, and for some reason I feel its a step in the right direction. It has little to do with love but it has to do with me. It's a risk. Maybe this is why right now I don't feel like taking any risks in my love life. I don't want to comprise everything I've worked so hard to get. For it all to fall apart because I am that person who will always choose love before anything else as it has shown in the past it can only deter you from the things you really need to accomplish.

At this time I will take a hint from someone that changed the way I think and follow the mantra that has been in my heart since, "lets take things day by day". Its risk but I think I am willing to take it.

Stupid Cupid.

Happy Valentine's Day. No, I'm not being sarcastic. I really hope everyone had a pleasant day and as much as I know its a Hallmark holiday, I do appreciate the thought that goes behind buying that special someone flowers, candy, gifts, etc to make them feel special on this very commercial holiday. I'm not bitter that I was alone this Valentine's Day. It actually felt very normal. I was surprised on how much it didn't effect me with the exception of one little incident. I had no problem being surrounded by hearts, couples holding hands, cards, and the anticipation of couples having a romantic dinner or plans, what bothered me wasn't the single people being miserable or couples being couples but couples that like to throw being single in your face.

Yes, you know who you are. No, I'm not talking about public displays of attention or couples coupling, I don't care but I do mind the people who say things like, "I feel sorry for you because you're single on Valentine's Day". My question is do they always feel sorry for me because I am not in a relationship or is it only because I'm not with someone on Valentine's Day? More importantly why do they have to feel sorry for me?

I don't carry a grey cloud around me making couples feel miserable, I don't go into their happy little worlds of twos and say 'table for one' and rain on their parade. So please explain why you feel sorry for me?

Would it be nice to have a Valentine? Yes. Would it be nice to be appreciated by someone on a holiday dedicated to "love"? Sure. Am I going to settle? No. Have I become pickier? Maybe. This is a question I asked myself prior to Valentine's Day. Maybe I'm reading too much into this but my instincts are no unnecessarily wrong for a long time I have known a guy who I think has always found me attractive. I've always found him to be a nice guy who I have things in common with but to me its always been he's maybe the right guy but timing has never been right. Again Maybe is the key word in that sentence. After I spent sometime with him during my birthday I realized how not only am I not attracted to him but how there could never be anything between us and again it has a lot to do with timing. Perfectly legit guy, good morals, things in common, but something is missing. I don't feel those butterflies, I don't hear the music and therefore nothing inside me says pursue this person. Maybe a year ago when I wasn't used to being single I would have jumped all over this opportunity. I would have somehow managed to hear the dog whistles but I feel I can do better. I don't need to settle and perhaps I won't have a romantic dinner in a crowded restaurant. And perhaps I won't get a cheesy card or get mad because you don't remember my favorite flowers are tulips. Maybe there won't be any pressure on a random day in February. Perhaps for the first time ever February 14th is just another day on the calender or maybe I'd like to dub it Singles Appreciation Day. A day where singles don't have to worry about all the things someone in a relationship have to worry about. A day where I can still eat a whole box of chocolates and not feel guilty. More importantly a day where it doesn't matter if I'm in committed relationship or if I'm single as long as I'm happy and I'm staying of people who are trying to celebrate V-day on their own terms.

Oh St. Valentine! You have taught me yet another lesson in love.

An Apology

Something unexpected happened this week. Although sick, tired, and often complaining more than I should I somehow managed to surpass what could have quickly become one of the worst weeks of my life. Just one week ago I was upset and weak, I lost someone last week. Someone that well at some point in my life meant something but now, looking back it wasn't that bad. I have found that it wasn't meant to be and I could have probably figured that out earlier with all the signs saying, "do not enter", "dead end", "stop", "proceed with caution" but I see those signs and I often give them the middle finger because well, I'm Ximena. I like to take risks and often I'm looking for love or like in all in the wrong places. C'est la vie.

One of the most unexpected turn of events this week wasn't that I was that heartbroken. It wasn't that I was resilient. Maybe one of the things that bothered me this week was my persistence with this person, I was stubborn when I knew it was over. I wanted the final word and I wanted that apology. Instead, the apology came from a very inexplicable source. It didn't come from the person I wrote that very long post for but instead it came from someone that I have probably mentioned more times in this blog than I should. This person made me feel inexplicably weak for many months last year and I even decided to cut them out of my life for good. Yet, the person I am can't cut people out of her life for some reason (although I did cut a person out last week), but for some reason I wanted to reach out to this particular person. I didn't need the apology. I wasn't expecting the apology. But maybe because I wasn't expecting it and perhaps maybe because I didn't need it, I had reached a place of comfort with this person again, his apology meant something more than just a vague "I'm sorry".

A part of me really didn't want to hear this person apologize to me, maybe because I thought I had been dramatic or it was all in my head. The apology was a slap of reality that I didn't think I deserved. I know I don't need to thank this person for apologizing. I deserved that apology. Its made me a little more complete. Sometimes you don't know how much person can take from you after your done.

When you break up with a person you sometimes take books, cds, t-shirts, etc. as little souvenirs, a reminder you were with that person. I think people take much more than that, they can often take your dignity, pride, self worth, confidence and it takes a long time to get all those things back. This week I got some of that back because of that apology. Perhaps that's why I stopped texting, calling, emailing, I wanted to keep my dignity, pride, self-worth, confidence intact. It'll be sometime until someone can take that away from me again.

I don't want you to be a sentence, I'd prefer a chapter

Its taken me long enough to write again. I'm not sure how to approach things right now. I am in the middle of a situation that I knew how to avoid and somehow the only word that comes to mind is how I "sabotaged" this. Everyone is saying Ximena "don't be to hard on yourself", "Let things take their course" and every other cliche in the book. I know I made a mistake.

So here it goes:

We all know that I want to be that girl that meets boy, boy falls for girl and we live a happy easy life but those are not the cards I get dealt. I live a life where everything is a little more complicated. Everything comes with a compromise and everything has a story.
I said this year would be the year I would take more risks. This would be the year that I would let more people in. I would also be less scared and let more things go. It was shaping out to be a great year just like 2010 was shaping out to be a great year but somewhere around week 3 I realize I have the ability to fuck things up. I don't think I do it on purpose but I get scared and loose all normal inhibitions and start to sabotage anything that is going well.

I don't regret too much in my life. I don't want this person to be someone I regret adding back in my life. Actually I take that back. I don't regret having this person in my life. I would regret to end things the way they seem to have ended. Instead of my ability to write a chapter about this person it seems that every time I start anything with you I can only write a sentence and then blank page appears. You disappear, you fall off the face of the earth, you run, you hide and it ends. I want you to face me and talk about things that happened. I want us to be friends. I want this to work out as much as we probably think it won't.

Ha! I'm going to do something I hardly ever do on my blog but I am going to apologize. I freaked out. I got scared and tried to get you out of my life the only way I know how. I succeeded. Yet another part of me says that you haven't handled things correctly. I know you said we weren't going to fight but I'm not here to fight. I would like to hear your sentiments, even if they're "we're not going to work out". I need closure. I'm not sure if you will A. ever read this or B. actually do me the favor of talking things out with me but I think I actually deserve this. Again this is a half-hearted apology but I am doing the only thing I know I do well.

This isn't a sign of desperation and I'll let things be but for some reason I don't think things are over. Just like I didn't think things were over between us 3 years ago.

I know people are going to read this and be confused as to what has happened to my blog. People are going to say where is the advice, the rant, the lesson learned. The advice is people need to speak whats on their mind, the rant is the very long apology and the lesson is quite not learned yet but I hope its that you aren't just a sentence in what is suppose to be a chapter.

Missed Connections or Downfall #2

I am sucker for Craigslist "missed connections." When you live in a city with millions of people you realize all the opportunities you might have missed and as cheesy and absurd as this sounds I think its nice that there is a forum where you can post something letting that other person know you wanted to reach out but didn't.
How many times in life do you go without doing that? Thousands.
Here's my point of another Downfall of womankind: We all love this romantic bullshit built into our head. That ever so faithful day that some guy is going to sweep us off our feet and we're going to just swoon and there will be dandelions and daisies and unicorns and even the most sensible of girls believe this crap. Yes, even me the killer of romance, thinks one day her prince will come thanks to Walt Disney and all those fairy tales I got read to as a child. Thanks! Realistically speaking it might happen. I know that I've had romantic gestures happen to me and you know instead of embracing them or treasuring them I ran from them. I got scared this kind of stuff just doesn't happen to me. It happens to Molly Ringwald in Sixteen Candles or Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman but it wouldn't happen to Ellen Page she gets pregnant and for some reason ends up weirdly with Michael Cera at the end of that movie. More importantly a missed connection would be like finding a pin in haystack. Hard to impossible to find but I still think that maybe just maybe you made can make an impression on someone and their perception of you might change in the long run. Maybe its the fact that you have been through hell and back, that right now in your life you are at crossroads, maybe the girl you once were is still around but she grew up a little, all these things can really change a person for the better or for the worse. I feel that I am living a missed connection. While I have missed the boat with other grand romantic gestures like the guy who took me to prom when I was going to go stag and showed up at my door with a matching corsage. Or the guy that ran a couple blocks because he wanted to just kiss me before he left. Or even the guy that took too many cabs one night because I wanted him to come and pick me up from a party. While all those are grand romantic gestures, I never swooned. I am waiting for the "missed connections", I think I'll know when I find it.
I might be the one girl who yes besides all the crazy antics of overthinking and romanticising can be realistic enough to know who the right guy is missed connection or not.

Downfall #1

I can be the first to admit girls have many downfalls but one of them is the fact we over analyze everything. Which often makes things overly complicated and worse we freak out the opposite sex. The ability to keep things simple isn't in our nature thus the elaborate routine of getting ready and all the other mundane things girls do. You are probably reading this as a girl and scoffing, "Pfft..I don't do that. I don't read into signs and try to decipherer the Da Vinci code that is Man."But you are wrong, yes even me, especially me is a magnet to over complicating things.

Get me in a room with guys and I will drink whiskey and drink beer and talk about hook ups, simply being one of the guys. Get me a room with women and I will fill their minds with mindless romantic stories, criticizing my ex-boyfriends antics, but more trying to read into something that isn't probably there about my latest crush. The amount of time I spend talking to my girlfriends about a simple matter and the amount of time I think "what did that smile mean? why did this happen? why did he say this?" I think by now I could have discovered the cure for cancer, ok maybe not but I shouldn't spend so much thinking about this stuff.
Its kind of how I feel about this blog its when I write whatever is in my heart that's when its better, funnier, real. I guess when I don't take it too seriously things seem to just work out. I know I am better when I'm not super rehearsed, when I just say whatever I am thinking, when I'm not censored, mostly when I don't give a fuck. So thinking to myself "what did he mean when he said this?" over complicates things at this point in my life I'm A. too tired to really dig deep into it and B. I don't give a shit why he said or what he thinks C. mostly I am going to act how ever the fuck I please and I'm really unapologetic about anything and everything.

So even though I don't believe in resolutions because they're mostly about taking things drastically out of proportion and they all go awry I will say that this year I will try my hardest to stop over thinking things and just do them. I will not be circling issues. I will not be taking every part of a conversation and over analyzing it. I will take things as they, as they come and I will show a little confidence. Cockiness even. My 'fuck it' attitude is back in place.

Auld Lang Syne

I could say 2010 was a flop, nothing interesting happened but in retrospect one huge thing happened, I started to be me again. I lost sight of who I was for a long time. I know this sounds stupid and perhaps redundant but when you are with someone, in a relationship you start to mold yourself into not two different people but into one "us". This year without any hesitation or problems I didn't have a counterpart. I didn't share my bed, meals, and every waking moment thinking "Oh gosh! when is this gonna end?" because it never started. I had a series of flings, first dates, etc but this was the year that I got to be alone. That I got to work on me. Yes, surprisingly it wasn't that easy. I had a lot to let go. I had to not only let go of that one person who shall remain nameless (Chris) but more importantly a person who I thought had done no damage but truly caused some terrible turmoil in my life (Matt).

2010 taught me a lot. It showed me I didn't have to have a boyfriend to go out and have fancy meals, I could do that with someone that liked food as much as I did. I learned that not every waking minute has to be filled with people that alone time is healthy. I learned the balance of school, work, friendship, and time for myself. I also learned that for the first time since I was 15 I didn't have a crush or had fallen into like and it was normal. More importantly I learned who I was or who I am shaping up to be. Yes, I do fuck up. Yes, I have had my fair share of things this year that I regret but I feel they're all lessons that needed to be learned. I didn't take that job in Park City, Utah but I think the old Ximena would have. I welcome new experiences. I feel I made the right decision with the job that I took and although 2011 seems like a hell of year to come with graduation and perhaps even a promotion I think I will remember 2010 as the year I grew up. The year I let things go. The year I learned who my friends are and maybe I didn't find love this year but I found out a lot of people out there like me. I started writing what was in my heart and to me it was helpful. 2010 you will be missed but not forgotten.

Hiding

I'd like to mention how I am one of those girls that almost always knows how her ex flames are doing. I am curious to what their life is like after Ximena and well mostly I just think they're great people and maybe we didn't work out but maybe we can be friends. Almost always it works out I still talk to Carlos and I'm coming around to others. On that note I'd like to mention what I did on Friday that took me by surprise was the fact that not only did I avoid one of my exes like the plague but I also literally went into hiding. I was at school on a Friday which I never am but I was helping a friend move so I went to meet them there. I am fortunate in that none of my exes go to school except for the dreaded ex which isn't so bad since we have this understanding of very short exchanges that makes it less awkward and way more livable. Well, I don't know maybe its because lately I've been pouring my heart and soul into this blog and undeniably I am amazed by the amount of people that actually read this thing but more importantly is that the last few blogs have been about how much I was actually destroyed by this particular person. Before it was easy to say, "oh so and so they broke my heart" but why can't I say it now. Why did I go into hiding? Why couldn't I have that short awkward exchange of words and walk away? I'm over him. I don't want him back. I no longer have any lingering anything for him. Maybe just maybe its because I don't feel anything that I don't want to talk to him. Maybe too much has changed that I don't know who he is anymore and that scares me. He's so much removed from my life, he's a stranger. I think perhaps I've come to the realization that we didn't have that much in common and with all the others perhaps I have held a closer relationship because we still hold other things in common that have nothing to do with our past. I guess what I'm trying to say is Matt: (I know for a fact you probably don't read this) I hope you are doing well. I am glad you were part of life. I am even happier you aren't part of it now because things have changed, I've changed. Next time I see you at school or anywhere I promise not to hide in the coffee bar with the lights off eating pizza (this is just an example) I will man up and say hello and go on with life. Sincerely you know who.