Auld Lang Syne

I could say 2010 was a flop, nothing interesting happened but in retrospect one huge thing happened, I started to be me again. I lost sight of who I was for a long time. I know this sounds stupid and perhaps redundant but when you are with someone, in a relationship you start to mold yourself into not two different people but into one "us". This year without any hesitation or problems I didn't have a counterpart. I didn't share my bed, meals, and every waking moment thinking "Oh gosh! when is this gonna end?" because it never started. I had a series of flings, first dates, etc but this was the year that I got to be alone. That I got to work on me. Yes, surprisingly it wasn't that easy. I had a lot to let go. I had to not only let go of that one person who shall remain nameless (Chris) but more importantly a person who I thought had done no damage but truly caused some terrible turmoil in my life (Matt).

2010 taught me a lot. It showed me I didn't have to have a boyfriend to go out and have fancy meals, I could do that with someone that liked food as much as I did. I learned that not every waking minute has to be filled with people that alone time is healthy. I learned the balance of school, work, friendship, and time for myself. I also learned that for the first time since I was 15 I didn't have a crush or had fallen into like and it was normal. More importantly I learned who I was or who I am shaping up to be. Yes, I do fuck up. Yes, I have had my fair share of things this year that I regret but I feel they're all lessons that needed to be learned. I didn't take that job in Park City, Utah but I think the old Ximena would have. I welcome new experiences. I feel I made the right decision with the job that I took and although 2011 seems like a hell of year to come with graduation and perhaps even a promotion I think I will remember 2010 as the year I grew up. The year I let things go. The year I learned who my friends are and maybe I didn't find love this year but I found out a lot of people out there like me. I started writing what was in my heart and to me it was helpful. 2010 you will be missed but not forgotten.

Hiding

I'd like to mention how I am one of those girls that almost always knows how her ex flames are doing. I am curious to what their life is like after Ximena and well mostly I just think they're great people and maybe we didn't work out but maybe we can be friends. Almost always it works out I still talk to Carlos and I'm coming around to others. On that note I'd like to mention what I did on Friday that took me by surprise was the fact that not only did I avoid one of my exes like the plague but I also literally went into hiding. I was at school on a Friday which I never am but I was helping a friend move so I went to meet them there. I am fortunate in that none of my exes go to school except for the dreaded ex which isn't so bad since we have this understanding of very short exchanges that makes it less awkward and way more livable. Well, I don't know maybe its because lately I've been pouring my heart and soul into this blog and undeniably I am amazed by the amount of people that actually read this thing but more importantly is that the last few blogs have been about how much I was actually destroyed by this particular person. Before it was easy to say, "oh so and so they broke my heart" but why can't I say it now. Why did I go into hiding? Why couldn't I have that short awkward exchange of words and walk away? I'm over him. I don't want him back. I no longer have any lingering anything for him. Maybe just maybe its because I don't feel anything that I don't want to talk to him. Maybe too much has changed that I don't know who he is anymore and that scares me. He's so much removed from my life, he's a stranger. I think perhaps I've come to the realization that we didn't have that much in common and with all the others perhaps I have held a closer relationship because we still hold other things in common that have nothing to do with our past. I guess what I'm trying to say is Matt: (I know for a fact you probably don't read this) I hope you are doing well. I am glad you were part of life. I am even happier you aren't part of it now because things have changed, I've changed. Next time I see you at school or anywhere I promise not to hide in the coffee bar with the lights off eating pizza (this is just an example) I will man up and say hello and go on with life. Sincerely you know who.

Fear

I'll admit it here first, I'm scared. I'm scared of a lot of things. I'm scared of what the future holds for me. I'm afraid of making dumb decisions. But mostly I'm afraid of getting hurt by love. I mostly write about how I am recovering from a series of break ups. The fact is plain and simple I ran from a lot of things and never got to deal with the consequences and one day it all caught up with me. One day I realized I was alone and I didn't have a back plan. I had to deal with all those things I had been running from. Consequently, it wasn't a pretty process and some people did get caught in the middle of it. Slowly but surely I have been recovering and although its been a rather tedious process I'm doing better much better than before.
Fear paralysis you. It keeps you from doing many things. It also makes you do things you didn't think you were capable of doing. Fear is a drug.
In a year I've found out many things about myself I wasn't aware of. In the past I've been the girl that isn't afraid of challenge, change, or anything in paticular but lately I have. I've been
cautious and I haven't let anyone in my life, some might say its because I wasn't over people but mostly it was because I was afraid of getting hurt once again. Some might say I made a great decision to take a job in Chicago instead of elsewhere, I think it might have been a cop out on my part to stay in my safety zone. Whatever the case I have been cautious and while being cautious I haven't gotten hurt but living in fear is like living a life half lived. In life you have to take a risk. In life you have to make room for change. In life you have to not be afraid. I guess its time to take a chance, make a change, and perhaps even allow for people to come in. Its time to take the plunge and take a risk.
Wow, when did I become such a walking cliche? I guess instead of hiding out and hoping not get dick slapped by reality, it is time to stop being a little bitch. That's all.

"Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice..."

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice-we can't get fooled again. I sometimes wonder how George W. Bush got to be our president. What he was trying to say is, "Fool me twice shame on me." Time and time again I feel we fall for the same tricks. We get suckered into getting the VIP tickets to a show because its only $50 and you get a free key chain or upgrading to a room that is really only 10 feet bigger. Anyway, we always look back and go "I'll never do that again" and somehow we end up doing things we said "we'd never do" again and again. For instance:

Drunk Dialing

For some reason we feel the dire need to pick up the phone and talk to ex when we are way beyond intoxicated. At that moment we feel compelled to tell them we miss them, that they're the reason I decided to take 8 tequila shots in row, and that no one will ever love me like they did. The next day while dealing with a terrible hangover, we inevitably look at our phone and realize that it wasn't just a dream but we did just call our ex and make a fool of ourselves again. And every time we go out we promise it won't happen again. That we won't drink and dial but it happens.

Hooking up with an Ex

I think for some reason this one is the worst of all of them. There is the familiarity when you are with them you feel this overwhelming closeness, belonging but towards the end you realize that is just a one time thing. That they're an ex for a reason. That because maybe one night you decided to have again one to many drinks and you two were in a familiar setting things would just suddenly become normal. You promise yourself at the end of the break no more communication as you stalk his or her Facebook, drunk dial him and even text him if you see something they might enjoy. The worse is just trying to act normal with an ex when all your friends are around and this is when you become vulnerable and the hook up is inevitable. I can't tell you the number of times I wish this wouldn't had happen but it did.

Going after the same type of Guy or Girl

You promise yourself you'll do things differently that you won't date the guy with the tattoos and the motorcycle. You promise you won't go with the guy who has a long distance girlfriend. You promise yourself to be single but somehow end up in a relationship after 3 weeks of playing the single or I just got dumped card. And you fall into the same routine. Going after something that isn't there that won't ever be there that has no potential for growth but you like torture because you my friend are a masochist who loves pain and I guess in my case loves writing blogs on how I am a dumbass when it comes love.

Some might say I never learn from my mistakes but I think I've grown as a person. I think I'm finally a little more cautious, a little more resilient, and a lot more of bitch. I can't figure out how to approach anyone these days because the last year has been more painful than anything I've ever gone through. When Carlos and I broke up I felt there was going to be great things for me, a new city, new friends, school, etc. When Matt and I broke up all that new stuff wasn't new anymore it was my city, my friends, my school, my life and little by little I started to unravel without noticing for awhile. Yes, I did have someone for awhile who made me feel good but when they left the little bit of putty that was holding me together was gone, I broke. I lost everything that I felt was important and I lost track of what had brought me to Chicago in the first place. Finally, after piecing myself together for year I'm not ready for a relationship. I am not ready to go down that road of finding Mr. Right and I'm not looking for anyone or anything in particular. I just want to make sure that next time I do go down that route I will remember President Bush, "Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice-I won't be fooled again".

Welcome To The Dark Side

I have a gut wrenching feeling one of my friends has left us for a dark place. He has checked out of reality and into the dark and twisty world. I am a familiar visitor of dark and twisty but when I'm there I have this overwhelming feeling of belonging and not belonging all at once.

What is dark and twisty?

Dark and twisty is place of denial. A place you go to after any break up. Its a remedy, a quick fix, a patch on that flat tire which you know you should get replaced but you patch up instead. This dark place has a fascinating ease. You push your closest people away and you easily replace them with people that don't know you well, that are in a similar situation, or have been dark and twisty their whole lives. Theres a moment when you are just angry at everything and everyone you don't really justify your anger but if you dig deep enough you'll find the core of what's wrong. Dark and twisty comes with a long list of attribute which include: booze, drugs, sex and an overwhelming desire to have control or no control in all these aspects. We find ourselves wanting to explore, be different, find ourselves but really we're just hurting. Instead of grieving we do everything in our power not to feel. We have outburst that shun people away. We hurt ourselves instead of heal.

I have spent a year in this place. I covered it up sometimes very well but I had this desire to be self destructive. I didn't feel like I belonged in reality and this place held some comfort. I loved the attention it brings, the night owls, the insomnia, the heaving drinking, the hook ups but that's no way to live. Well, its not for me. A few months ago I made a series of mistakes which I took as just another one of my many fuck ups. I never realized that what I do may affect others and others perceptions of myself. With this blog, my job, and a couple of months of hiding I am out of this dark place. I have really taken control of my life and weirdly happy.

This doesn't mean I don't have fun. I still go out but with a different approach as many times before it was to get hammered or finding a random hook up, I now do it with the solid intention to have a memory and a good time.

Going to this dark place is a replacement for someone but believe me it makes you feel more alone. I sometimes wish I would have checked out of the dark and twisty world months ago but I continued to force myself not to feel anything as I was afraid that the breaking point would be scarier but it wasn't. Consequently, it was a relief and as it came to be it was a relief to all those around me. Once I found myself out I became more pleasant, optimistic, and more fun to be around. Thank you for all of you who stuck around and I'm sorry to all of those who I hurt in this process, including myself.

Hibernation

Seems to me everyone is worried about my current living situation, for the exception of myself. Its winter, time for hibernation: big sweaters, heavy scarfs, and bad hair due to weather but instead I am getting confronted about my hibernation status. I really do enjoy drinking a bottle of wine and eating pretzels while watching Conan its actually a pleasure and this is why.

Ever since I was 14 or 15 years old I've been presented with boy drama. A boy likes me, he doesn't like me, he notices me, I have a crush, I have boyfriend, I have a full on relationship that includes homemaker status, I'm getting over a relationship, or I feel miserable because of one or I am single. And for once that last bit doesn't make me sick. I'm happy not liking anyone, I'm happy not trying to dazzle anyone with my good looks or even more dazzling personality. I'm glad I'm not persuing anyone and no one is persuing me and I am taking a break from all the nonsense to focus on who better than myself. Ah! I feel a sense in relief in this. Because after almost 10 years of being in one of the above I feel its now time for me I don't feel ashamed or selfish or anything other than relieved.

Sure I guess I am one year closer to 30 which apparently is every girls expiration date. Sure I am getting hassled by my mother who I really wasn't expecting to ask me if I'm seeing someone as I tell her everything. I was hoping my friend wasn't hoping that somewhere between me freaking out about me graduating she wouldn't point out I've been single for while but it all happened.

Lets get this out in the open. In the last 4 years I've been dumped. I've been on that bitter end of the bottle where I didn't see anything else but another bottle but then I recovered. I have seen one relationship end and another one begin. One person leave and another one emerge but for the first time ever I am not expecting to be in a relationship any time soon.

I am content writing about past experiences, expanding my horizons, and attempting to get ahead in my career and graduate. Wow! Who knew Ximena could be so focused on herself for once.

I'm confused as to what I believe anymore. I don't expect for relationships to last at my age and I don't expect that there is any kind of whirl wind romance, I am not a romantic but somewhere between all my disappoints in the past I've lost what I was looking for. Perhaps someday I'll find it and someday I'll believe that there is someone perfect for everyone but until then I am happy just being by myself for the first time since my first boyfriend.

Oh yeah! Happy Hibernation!

The 5 Year Plan

Most of the time I leave you with some optimism but yesterday I kind of left you guys with a bitter taste of reality. I don't apologize because these are my sentiments at the moment. I'm sure many of you are thinking, "Ximena, when you find the right guy, your soul mate, you'll know."

I remember many many nights ago sitting in my first apartment drunk in my closet and I was sad because I was alone and my friend came into my room and said, "what are you doing?" And I looked up at her with tears and my eyes and I said, "Why do we have to pretend to not be looking for anyone?" and she said, "because when we're not looking someone will find you." At that place and time I realized that I should live my life and I wiped away my fears and tears and went out to the nearest bar (Mexico) and danced my little butt off and in less than 3 months I fell in love. I fell in love like I had never been in love before (or so I thought) and I wanted to be with this person forever (or so I thought) and I had a 5 year plan.

I always have a 5 year plan.

The five year plan started in High School. I was this punky 15 year old girl with a rebellious heart that had a 5 year plan that included Amsterdam and college and the after life would just figure itself out. Then out of the blue came Carlos and there was a different 5 year plan that included college and then after 4 or 5 years of dating marriage and that failed. Then there came plan b: which was the same 4 years of college and getting back together but that failed because well I met Matt and so on. My 5 year plans fail. I guess the only thing that doesn't fail is that I knew I would always graduate from college as to my aspirations that have ranged from: film director, writer, graphic designer teacher, and now I'm graduating with a Hospitality degree. I'm not very religious but something that always sticks with me is, "If you have a plan, God laughs at it," and this holds true to me. Any plan I ever have the universe finds a way to make it not work and I always say its for a reason. Sometimes I understand completely why the reason for failure happened but most of the time I'm waiting astutely to why the universe has played this clever joke on me. I'm getting ready to graduate in a few quarters and I'm scared because for the first time ever I don't have a 5 year plan. I'm patiently waiting for something to happen to point me into the direction of my 5 year plan. I'm terrified but maybe all those times that I've made plans and they have fallen apart and I've been devastated have taught me that maybe I don't need a 5 year plan that like that one faithful night that I was sad I can still hear someone say to me, "it will work itself out". (And that's as optimistic as I'm going to get today!)

Once a Cheater...

I hope everyone had a happy and fun Halloween. This year I went as a very pubescent Dora the Explorer. She most definitely needed a wardrobe change. Anyway, it was a lot of fun and I can't wait for next year. I guess I will go back to my posts of misguided advice as they seem to be something I enjoy writing about.

Todays topic:"Once a cheater, always a cheater." What a wonderful phrase uttered by friends, frienemies and all alike. Is this phrase true? Is this something that holds true like a law of physics, whatever must come up must come down. Are we suppose to say that those that have cheated in the past will have the tendency to cheat more often because they were prone to cheating before? Or is those that have been scorned by cheaters are the ones that will somehow seek some karmic revenge? I'm not sure, I hate to say that because if someone cheats they deserve that title. Its if like none of us have never taken something from a store before and thus now we're criminals or kleptomaniacs? Or is cheating one of those things you do in a relationship for perhaps selfish reasons? I guess what holds true is that "cheaters" are those who don't think about consequences. Most cheating is sporadic, not planned, or calculated, instinctual not manipulative. I myself have been both a victim of cheating and also a perpetrator of the act. The reason behind me cheating had nothing to do with hurting someone else and it was to satisfy the needs of no one but myself. Did I feel guilty? Yes. Did I feel I needed to somehow be ashamed of what I had done? Yes. Did I want to do it again? Yes. Did I get a rush? Yes. Would I do it again? No. The reason I say no, is I know how it feels to be the other person in this. The third person in a love triangle and I would never want to do that to someone else.

I think people that are notorious cheaters are people that are afraid of commitment. They love the hunt. They love the thrill of not knowing what's next but are comfortable with the idea of always having someone there. I don't believe cheaters truly exists I believe there are people that make mistakes that get caught in the moment and act on intuition. We're all stuck on this idea of soul mates of finding the perfect match, of finding that person who you will be with thick and thin. What if they don't exist? What if you think this is the "one" and then all of sudden you're sitting at a coffee shop and you realize "I was wrong all along". She/He is not the one, I actually am in love with So and So or I think I am? Lately, I've stopped believing in the soul mates theory. I stopped hoping to meet that one guy that "gets me". There's a series of people that "get me". Does that mean that because you "get me" I have to share my bed, bank account, eat dinner with you for the rest of my life because you of all people "get me"?

I am by no means condoning cheating. I think its a horrible act very high on the list of things I hate that include: liars (which consequently need to have burning pants), cheaters, and of course Taylor Swift, the Jonas Brothers, and Hitler (those of course are in no particular order). I just think that couples, Hollywood, and society as we know it, has started to focus on perfection of everything including monogamy and its perfect relationship status. People don't mean to do a lot of things like drink and drive but it happens and cheating is just one of those things that happens. People make mistakes and its what you do after those mistakes that makes you who you are not the mistake itself. So once a cheater, hopefully not always a cheater.

Halloween!

Hello fellow followers! I'm sorry for disappearing on you like that, I guess I could lie here and say my life has become hectic and I have a whirlwind of stuff to write but I won't because nothing has really happened. The last posting missed the mark as I was severely angry at a certain someone that still rattles my very core. You know who you are, how can I put this politely,"Bugger off!" Now that's settled lets continue on.

I would love to wish everyone a very happy Hollows Eve. Now as it tradition we will all dress up and stay up drinking libations and will conduct ourselves badly. Lets take into account that every Halloween we all part take in these great traditions but I think that is time that we really should refrain from bad behavior. Yes, we've all had costume malfunctions a la Janet Jackson (Super Bowl fiasco). We've all made bad decisions of going home with Frankenstein and left (his) bride at the party. So this year boys and girls act responsibly. Boys, yes you, I know you all get your hopes up waiting for the only day of the year to dress like a girl, please please don't. Your other homophobic bros might think its great (or hott) that you look like a hot hooters mama but just do yourself a favor and dress up like something else. Anything please!

Girls, I know we all have a little slut brooding inside all of us. Yes, we would love to be that cheap trashy girl in 5 inch heels on the corner selling our bodies for cash...oh you don't? Well then don't dress like a hooker unless you're Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman (and remember Richard Gere wouldn't have taken her anywhere if she didn't know how to drive a shift stick and get a makeover). Please don't take beloved childhood classics like Little Red Riding Hood and turn her into a whore, its in bad taste really. So all of you out there dressing up in Lady Gaga costumes, visiting an era (20s,30s(?),40s,50s,etc), dressing up like your favorite super hero or villain or take a stab at Avatar and I presume a lot of Rocky Horror this year, I salute you. Have a Happy Halloween! Be safe because the last thing we want to read is some terrible news heading that reads the following "Jack o' lantern takes a stab at College Students"Again have fun, be safe, don't puke in pumpkins, and Happy Halloween!

You're So Vain..I Betcha Think This Blog Is About You, Don't You?

Yesterday, I started writing a post about closure. It was how you get to that essential moment of clarity and conformity and you just live or coexist brilliantly with an ex. My prime example was how I have this on going friendship with my ex-boyfriend Carlos. I'm sure there is a lot of people that hate him and there are days I hate him myself but then I realize we're not in a relationship anymore and when I need advice he's always there. He's a great shoulder to cry on and when it comes to friendships I really appreciate him always being there. He could really call it quits and I wouldn't be offended since we haven't seen each other in years. There are others that at this moment, I would love nothing more for them to fall off the face of the Earth. Yes, you know who you are. There are more of these characters on my list everyday.

I give a lot of personal references in these posts. Yes, I do write about some stuff that I am ashamed of doing and perhaps things that I shouldn't say aloud but I do it anyway. My mom said to me when she found that I was writing a blog that, "to write about oneself is to be able to undress your soul". I agree some of the stuff I say in my blog does hurt. I reread some of my posts and most of the time I laugh at myself, other times I say "jeez, what the hell was I thinking?" and most of the time it gives me a great sense that I can share these things when most people would never have the audacity to do this. I share things because like I said this is my outlet and if you don't like the things being said in this blog, don't read it. I'm not writing this blog for any of my ex boyfriends. If you are reading this and you did date me now you know how I feel. I think if you dated me you should have known how I felt then but if you didn't well here it is. I've gotten a lot of comments on my blog I guess some people hate it, others love it and some people find it helpful. I, on the other hand, find it to be something I enjoy doing and I will continue to post personal anecdotes. As painful these things are to write about sometimes I find it the only person that can actually be ashamed or embarrassed is me and as of right now I have nothing that I am ashamed about.
I guess this is what closure is all about.

A Little Explanation

I feel I need to apologize to some of the guys I've called scum in some of my posts. They're not scum, some of their actions, some of their decisions and the way they handled things might be scum but they're not scum. I can say that my decision making was probably poor too. I was probably making rash decisions on things that I wasn't sure of, I think that's what love is sometimes. You get a little blinded by that feeling of lust and something new that you forget all the principles. Then after the relationship is over you focus on all the things that weren't right and you start calling people "scum" or "assholes", when really they probably should be called realist. They realized that the relationship was going nowhere or it wasn't the right time or maybe there was someone else. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I spend a lot of time looking for answers or giving advice and maybe I shouldn't because I don't have my stuff in great shape. One day I'm fantasizing about some guy that is reading the right book at a coffee shop coming over and discussing indie bands and us falling in love and having hipster kids. The next day I'm still trying to shake off the feeling that I can't listen to that Elvis Costello song because it still reminds me of a great time in my life. I've had a lot of people tell me I'm not over some of my relationships but I guess you are never really over people you love. Some of which I can't stop talking to because they're a better friend than they ever were a boyfriend and some that slowly but surely have disappeared when I don't want them to. I guess this blog has become a therapeutic outlet for me. It helps me show my sadness, callousness, and the growth of my emotional stability. The guys in my life weren't horrible people, if anything they were great part of who I am shaping up to be. If it weren't for them I perhaps would never be so ambitious or carefree but I guess I hate sounding like a sap all the time. I want to make sure people understand this blog has no resonance of longing to old relationships, the reason that this blog exists is because of things that happened and what I've learned from them and if that's advice that might help, I'm glad.

Success

Lately I've been thinking how we rate someones success and for that reason I feel people rate you successful in 2 aspects. One would be how much money you have and secondly if you are in a relationship. Now granted the first one is something of merit, something you work hard and you get ahead but the latter is luck. It has nothing to do about how you present yourself or how great you maybe. It has to do if you are at the right place, if you are actually looking for a relationship, and the other person is ready to also be in a relationship with you. This has nothing to do with hard work. I spend a lot of time discussing failures and the process that goes into dealing with these failures. Emotional failures are one of those things that take time to adjust and a lot of time dedicating to bouncing back. I feel the minute people realize you are single you are put in this kind of "loser" bin. People start analyzing you, they start to think about what is wrong with you. I kind of want to say these people, "There is nothing wrong with me!". I have just picked a whole bunch of real losers and now I am being smart, analytical and wise about who to be with. No! there is nothing wrong with being single and guess what I think that makes me more successful than the couple who fights so much because they realize the only thing they have in common is that they both liked that movie with that actor. I'm not saying I want a carbon copy of myself and I am not saying I have not been trying to find a boyfriend. It occurs to me from time to time I don't really want to be alone for the rest of my life. Yet, something also comes to mind that I don't want to be in another dull relationship that isn't going anywhere and I don't want to string someone else along with me when I don't know what's going to happen in the near future. All I'm saying is that being single or being in relationship should qualify the success of a person. I would rather rate someones success on the amount of happiness in their life. Someone who enjoys their life just how it is or is looking to improve on their quality of their success such as loyalty, honesty, caring, career but isn't concentrating on their latest conquest of love. I think I just went up a few points on my success chart, its time to buy or sell, its my choice. I think I'll let it soar.

Best Friend

I think the single thing that drives me the most crazy when my best friend is crying her eyes out telling me that "its over" between her and the asshole her that dumped her, is hearing the next few words being uttered, "but he was my best friend". Yeah, that stings like salt in wound and at that point I turn from sympathetic best friend to very apathetic girl that is watching you cry your eyes out. So in a way of course we want to ideally date our best friend. We want to be friends with a guy and one day realize "Wow! I had never noticed you before, when did you ever get to be so handsome?" Although it has happened to many, most of the time we go into friendships with a bit of optimism that this might one day be an option. Its like in When Harry met Sally, Harry points out guys and girls can't be friends because there is always a sexual tension between them and while I disagree with this statement, I have been one of those girls that started a friendship with a guy (yes, just a friendship) and ended up dating him. Yes, I was also balling my eyes out and saying "but he's suppose to be my best friend".

I guess its been awhile since I've had my heart broken, not that I want to remember how that feels but I do know that during this time you are grasping on to anything. You are so utterly destroyed all you want is perhaps that initial feeling that had nothing to do with your relationship but more with the start the friendship. Perhaps, in your moment of complete confusion you are only focusing on the great parts of the relationship, how it all came to be and its only natural to start at the beginning. I know for every failed relationship I've ever had I can't really remember the in between part but the beginning and the end are picture clear. I can remember first dates, first kiss, even the first time I heard the words "I love you". I remember how things were right when I wasn't dating, the person who I was, what I wanted at that particular moment in my life, perhaps even the band that was playing repeatedly on my iPod. And because I am fond of writing this blog I remember every intricate detail of the dissolution of the relationship, the fights leading up to it, the distance, and of course dealing with the heartache afterwards. I don't regret much but I do regret calling this person my best friend when I know that if any of my friends broke my heart time and time again I would not call them my best friend. I would never be friends with someone who lies to me or cheats but I am willing to be friends with this person if I was in a relationship with them, why?

I hope one day I don't meet prince charming or someone who sweeps me off my feet. I'd much rather hope for one day for my best friend to meet the guy who will be my partner in crime, life and for her to say "Ah, you've met your match".

As for you Missy crying your eyes out calling out for your best friend, stop your crying your friend is the one giving you the tissue and thinking of 20 ways of how to kill the person who made you feel this way.

Anna Karenina

I've written about the feeling of uncertainty and letting yourself feel sad and some days are better than others and its all part of the process. I also expressed my sappy feelings about remembering the good times, that not everything was a Lifetime film and there are cute moments.

I guess what I'm saying is that one day you wake up and the crying stops. The little things that you couldn't do become easier and yes you will have set backs. I think I'm at the part of not feeling very much right now. I have become relationship apathetic. I have even utter phrases like "I don't know if I believe in love." So for saying those things out loud I am forcing myself to read the greatest (or longest) love story of all times, Anna Karenina. That's right an 800 page novel to teach me a lesson or two about love.

I guess me sitting around and blogging about chopsticks became a little trivial this morning. I was thinking of great love stories like Romeo and Juliet, they committed suicide. Anna Karenina jumped in front of a train. Helen of Troy, had had a major war over her and epic poem. So, I'm not saying that I need to have a weird murder suicide with my lover or to get hit by bus or a war. These things are tremendously tragic but I want more than just thinking that chopsticks are romantic. I'm not ready for someone to write me poetry or serenade me, that to me its just weird. But how about John Cusack in Say Anything with the boom box in the rain. Or Jake Ryan at the end of 16 Candles waiting for Molly Ringwald. Or Ferris Bueller proposing to his girlfriend Sloan just because he knew he was in love with her and couldn't live without her. That kind of John Hughes romance is what I'm looking for but not yet. I'm not ready for Danke Schoen in the middle of a parade but maybe just maybe when I finish reading Anna Karenina and half a dozen other romantic novels I might want to have a romance where I won't have to be blogging about failures but rather figuring out how I got so lucky.

Chopsticks

It has come to my attention that some of my readers think I'm still pining away at my old relationships. That I am somehow sitting at home, eating pints of Ben and Jerry's, and crying myself deeply to sleep while listening to Celine Dion (and then blog about it). As much as I should have been doing that I take a more proactive approach to self destruction that does not include the latter. I'd much rather look really hot and go out to bar to get hit on by strangers than cry myself to sleep. I have taken it upon myself to drink and go out a lot but to be honest it still takes a whole lot of you to do this when you're feeling miserable.

Anyway this blog isn't about breaking up and how to deal with it. Its about relationships as a whole. Which comes to my next point: Chopsticks.

Chopsticks.

It always seems to be the case that when you are falling out of love your friends seem to be falling in it. Which makes you feel in one word, lonely. You look all around you and they're holding hands, they have pet names for one another, and you're thinking gag the only thing crossing my mind right now is how not to kick that puppy or make that baby cry. Then your doe eyed friend looks at you and says "You'll get better, why don't you focus on all the great little things that make a relationship". So instead of saying "No!" I'd rather go and stick my head in the oven Sylvia Plath style, I thought back at all the things in my life that made me say, "yes, this is why I really liked you."

Which brings us to chopsticks. Believe me I've had really decent guys in my life. I've had really nice presents and cute cards and amazing dinners but I'm not materialistic. So while the presents and dinners are nice touches, little things mean so much more to me. My freshman year of college I lived with my first roommate Anastasia and even though we had a little in common I thought we had a really great living situation so it was odd that one day she just decided to move out. I was a little torn but I had too much going on to really think about it. So when I realized all the cookware was hers and she had taken all the silverware I resorted to using chopsticks from Panda Express. I ate everything with them and I got to be very skilled with a set of chopsticks. Once my neighbor, then pal, and not yet ex boyfriend found me eating with chopsticks he brought me a set of silverware so I could at least eat my cereal with a spoon but later that evening he knocked on my door and brought me a set of plastic reusable chopsticks from Chinatown. I can say some terrible things about him and I think I have mentioned a few on this particular blog. I know we had our ups and downs and we're not exactly friends right but when people ask me why I dated him, I always end it with chopsticks.

* Again I am not pining away at old feelings. Looking back and remembering good stuff isn't a horrible thing. Yes, I'm going to say it, its part of the process. I have come to the state of mind that I can remember great memories and not feel like I need to dive myself into a gin and tonic. I have reached the point that I'm okay at remembering the good, the bad and the ugly because its all part of the relationship process. I'm okay, really. *

Words of Wisdom from the Unwise: Part 3 Breaking Up, The Melt Down

The Melt Down

So you think you've reached the hump. You think alright I'm getting used to this being alone business. You also think "pfft..what did I ever see in that guy?" Then in the middle of Starbucks you realize the guy in front of you is ordering the exact drink you're ex drank and he's wearing his favorite shirt and chuck taylors and you are back to square one. You're back to moping, crying, running to Borders to the self-help section or you're at the local watering hole where the bartender already knows your drink before you order it.

Ok, this happens we all have set backs and there is no reset button. You have to ride it out. The melt down, the break down, are unexpected you might be perfectly fine one day and you might find his sock the next and it might be a turn to the worse. Don't let these insignificant days take a hold of you. Remember everyone has bad days. Think of the days you wake up late because you forgot to set your alarm. You wear a shirt that has a stain on it. It rains on you and you were suppose to go on that date with that hot guy. Take those moments and remember they can always be turned into a really bad set of stand up comedy.

So if your song is playing on the radio change it. If you find an old sock THROW IT AWAY! If you can't deal with it, cry. Its just another part of the process. Oh yeah and also don't be sappy and blog, I went back and read a few posts from a kinda difficult time in my life and I guess I'm glad I wrote those then but now I'm thinking of deleting them. Do whatever makes you happy and remember this will pass, you'll be back to thinking "pfft..why was I with that guy who orders Frappuccinos? MAN UP DRINK COFFEE PUNK!"

*Please don't say this out loud! It might get you escorted out of a Starbucks*

Words of Wisdom from the Unwise: Uncertainty

Uncertainty.

I guess that's the worst feeling after a break up. What are you suppose to do? Should you call? Should you stay at home? Should you go out? Should you cry? Should you be happy its over? The questions cloud your very existence. Then other questions cloud these questions like Why did it happen? What did I do wrong? How can I change this? And a series of questions that never end. Then you go out and look for those answers and you are shrouded with even more doubt. "No, its not you, its me", "I need space", "we can be friends".

My favorite line. A line that you always want to hear. You know what..No! I don't want to be friends. I don't. You broke my heart. You are probably going to keep my favorite blanket and as you might find out later I'm not going to give you back your sweater. On that note no guy/girl/etc. should ever utter these words.

Yes, this is the girl who still is friends with most of her exes for some odd reason. I don't know why and no its not this desire to have them fall in love with her again. I just realize that maybe a year or 2 or 5 after a break up we can be friends. We can be buds maybe have a drink but maybe not. But definitely still be friends on Facebook just so you can stalk each other ever so often, I'm kidding (not really). I think its smarter to not be friends with your exes to be honest with you. Its better to remember with a little remorse and some good memories.

Maybe you are one of those people who still are best friends with that kid that they met in kindergarten but I'm not. I met my best friend in 8th grade, Europe, college and many other places. My best friend has been Karla who I still think the world of, my host brother, my boyfriends (at the time), my roommates and always my mother. What I'm getting at is that with time you will see less similarities like that kid in kindergarten. You will realize that you don't need to talk to your ex-significant other every single night. That in some way you might still care about them but there's not that longing desire to connect with them. All those questions you had before vanish. The uncertainty becomes clear again and you can start new.

Words of Wisdom from the Unwise. Part 1 Breaking Up

I guess as trivial as this may sound I kind of wanted to start giving advice to those all out there looking for love. I'm no expert maybe as time progresses I'll get better at this but maybe some of my social commentary will make you not feel alone in the universe.

Breaking up

I think that's the problem these days when you first break up with your significant other you can't see past hindsight. I know its difficult and everyone around you is saying things like "you're better without him", "you'll find someone else", "just give it time". And in your distraught mind frame these words of cliche encouragement are things you'd rather not hear. I'm not going to sit here and tell you man its easy to break up with someone being the dumper or the dumpee. Its just not. You miss the person you were with as torturous as the relationship was and your hindsight is probably the end of a bottle or it is for me.
Look I've been the girl that was so horribly depressed I went out and I bought self help books and when I'm down in the dumps I look over at my bookshelf and realize I am no longer that girl in the middle of Borders holding on to her last bit of dignity buying a self help book. At this time I will tell you, you are going to be your own worst enemy believe me there's a handful of very poppy country songs to back me up on this one. For one please don't key anyones car (Thanks Carrie for singing about sweet revenge) and two this is actually kind of funny I'll say this but be careful with the alcohol (I Need You Now Lady Antebellum told us a little something about drunk dialing) just for heads up and three its ok to feel miserable.
Yes that's right ladies and gentlemen I am encouraging, urging you to not feed yourself lies. NO "I'll be better" pep talks to yourself. Not yet anyway, its ok to cry. Its ok to take a little time off from being your cheery self and feel a little down. If this relationship meant something it will hurt and it will hurt for some time. And as much I encourage self destructive behavior at this point I'd like to say many gin and tonics, wine, beer etc. have made me realize that was just an empty road going nowhere. It does however relieve some kind of pain at times but mostly makes you feel miserable the next day.
I hate the books or people that tell you to go jogging or find an activity. You're activities at this point should be to sit at home and wallow. Wallow and once you get over the wallowing, realize what you did before you were with this person. Remember that you liked to watch Dancing with the Stars on Mondays instead of Monday Night Football. That instead of buying tickets to a baseball game you can now get pedicures. Remember you have friends that love hanging out with you and just you. Remember you're good at things like baking, writing, riding a bike, photography, etc. and sooner or later you realize that yeah it was painful at first but now that you have learned more about yourself you don't know why you were with that person to begin with.
I know this is cliche and it may come as a no brainer but remember that you're friends are there for a reason. They will be there during the good, the bad, the ugly. Have them listen to you because there will come a time sooner or later you'll have the roles switched and you can repay the favor.

I guess this me returning the favor.

Single and Looking...Just Single.

10 minutes. I just need 10 minutes to compose something obvious. So when I started this blog over a year ago I had just gotten dumped by my then boyfriend Matt and started compulsively dating to get over him which I think I did brilliantly but a year has passed. Well a good year plus has passed. In that year I have gotten through several typical and not typical types of relationships. I've also gone through a full on transformation of myself. I went through denial and phase of really bad drinking but now its easy to describe my break up without falling apart. Its comical in a sense as I take it with a grain of salt. So when people ask me what happen I simply say this "I went on internship, I had a boyfriend, I came back from internship 3 months later, he had a new girlfriend. I moved out, end of story." Yes, there is a lot more than that, I guess me being a possessive overly pushy bitch doesn't help any relationship but whatever. I am a little less pushy than before or so I think. I still have room for improvement and I guess that's what you learn by being single but being single comes with a lot compromises. I guess being alone doesn't work for anyone but that guy that wrote Walden but I am not that in tune with nature so I guess I need to have the constant attention of a real piece of work kind of guy. Most of the guys I've dated have some deep issues and I'd rather not get into the Psyche of these types because its actually kind of depressing as they attract a very specific and kinda in her own way, fucked up kind of girl (me). But in less depressing news here it is: I like being single! Wow! I never in a million years thought I'd get to that conclusion no I am not that guy that says I am an island and stand alone, fuck no. I'm a girl that's not looking to find the right guy. I'd rather not look for prince charming he's not out there and if he is he probably wears too much cologne and hair gel. I'd rather say that I'm looking to live a happy existence as to where I am in life right now. I might be alone but I'm not really. Finally, finding some peace oh and more importantly laughter in every outrageous situation. So, I got dumped for a girl with big boobs. Had a guy who I thought was perfect leave me just to get away. Dated a bunch of strangers. Have had more than a handful of awkward encounters with people I dated briefly because I confused looks with a connection. Looked for love in the wrong places and now I'm here. Conclusion aw..I'm no longer Single and Looking...I'm just Single and Happy.

The Bamboo Plant

I love to emphasize the reason why I moved to Chicago, has a 100% to do with the weather. As much as people rave and rant about the cold, I say to them move to Texas and lets talk about the heat. The last few days have gotten me thinking that Chicago as well as any other "cold" city can get unbearably hot and as much as some people appreciate the hot weather, I think I'd rather stick to cooler weather. In one of those bad episodes of anything can go wrong will go wrong, happened on the way to the laundry mat.

Sunday, like any other Sunday I finally decide to do my laundry. Once at the very humid laundry mat I realize I have no change and have to run out to the ATM to get money. I knew I should have worn pants and real shoes but instead I am at the laundry mat with the shortest pair of shorts I have an extremely tight tank top, which of course I never wear outside my bedroom nonetheless, I am now 2 doors down in laundry mat packed with women and children. I walk half a block to the nearest ATM, rushing to get the money so I can go back to the safety of my household, only to find the ATM is broken and I have to walk 3 blocks to the next nearest ATM. As I walk those 3 very long blocks to Walgreens, I'm sweating, embarrassed, wishing I had gym shoes on so it could at least look like I was going on a run and I am cursing the comfort of flip flops. Once inside Walgreens I think its best to buy something and get cash back in a moment of what I want refer as 'heat delirium', I bought a bamboo plant. Not exactly sure how I looked in inappropriately short shorts and holding a bamboo plant , walking 3 blocks back as my ass hung out of my shorts. I finally made it back to the swamp like laundry mat to start a load. Ah...summer time in the city. How I love it!

Stop staring at me bamboo plant.

I'm obsessive I know, what can I say its just my personality and I can't help but indulge myself full throttle into a project, person, lifestyle. I take things to the extreme and that's just who I have always been. So an idea arose the other day of getting together a trip, yes, trip ideas come and go, oh I want to go to London and travel the outback but this trip actually has some foundation. It actually has a name. A quintessential road trip. A trip that will bring the ugly, fun, and truth behind things. A trip that will make us adults. A trip that I am planning. Yes, me the girl that makes list for everything favorite things, movies, restaurants, places I've been, places I want to go, the top 5 list girl and you know what its my thing. So I go with it. Back to my trip, we're going to take at the end of June. The plan of course is to visit one of my favorite cities in the world New Orleans but I am not focusing so much on the destination which will be amazing great food, great music, great time (I assume on a positive note) but more on the journey to get there the pit stops. The great adventure that 3 or 4 girls will be taking, the Thelma and Louis kind of journey you want to take minus the killing people and suicide off a cliff but I think you get my gist. The journey begins in our great city of Chicago, lunch in St. Louis, picture with the Arch and late afternoon in Memphis, where we will be spending the night listening to blues and eating world famous dry rub barbecue. The next day yet another beautiful day in Memphis, Gus's world famous fried chicken, the Lorraine Hotel where MLK was shot and perhaps even a peak at Graceland back on the road mid-afternoon to stay the night in our final destination of New Orleans. 2 days in the city with yet no plan but mostly it consists of eating Cajun-Creole food and listening to jazz and experiencing the city. On the way back we want to go to Birmingham, Alabama and journey into the beautiful land of Kentucky and venturing back home.

We call it the Dirty South Road Trip.

On board right now are Kelly and Maayan who are very enthusiastic of the trip especially because it sounds like we can actually pull this off.

For the time being I have put boys on the back burner and since I am not seeing anyone or talking to anyone my life has felt a little empty. I'm not using this project to fill the void or maybe I am but whatever the case its more productive than sitting at home waiting for Mr. Perfect to show up instead I'm reading my maps, planning for the best. I will start posting more stuff the minute this starts becoming more of a reality and less of an idea.

A list of my favorite things.

Robots and Dinosaurs.

Animal Crackers

Big Yellow Blanket

Tree Houses and starry nights.

Running barefoot on cold dew grass on a warm night

Sweatshirts that have your mold

A blue Sesame Street lunch box

Lightening storms

Roller coasters

Parks.

Climbing trees

Green Eggs and Ham

Going really high on a swing

Dipping your feet in a cold stream of water while drinking lemonade on a hot day.

Hugs that come out of nowhere

Eeyore or Burri for everyone who knows what I'm talking about

The Brave Little Toaster

The Giving Tree

Love You Forever

Strawberry tea

Walking into a house that smells like food

Old friends

Our boxes of pictures

Rain hitting the window while i sleep

Waking up to pancakes and my mom singing

Family

13 Messages

13 messages.

not 1 or 2...13 messages.

13 messages that weren't erased. 13 messages that were left in my inbox. No, they were not left in a single day. They weren't left in a weekend. They were left through a decent amount of time but 13 messages I could not erase. 13 messages that still haunt me, no, taunt me is a better word. 13 messages that I listened to that made me laugh, made me reminisce, made me miss you when in fact lately I haven't.

13 messages...

What am I suppose to do?

Why does it move me so much still?

Is it because I'm lonely?

Is it because I still care?

13 messages...

I should erase.

I should delete.

I should not have.

I should not listen to.

but I did.

13 messages...

I can't delete.

I can't erase.

I can't because its the only thing I can hold on to right now.

13 messages...

That remind me you don't call as frequently as you used to.

That remind me of how much you once cared but you don't anymore.

That remind me of a time in my life I can say I was honestly happy.

That remind me that I didn't have to pretend to be someone else.

13 messages...

Frustration

Sadness

Remorse

Anger

Pity

Loss

joy

completeness

Frustration

Sadness

Remorse

Anger

Pity

Loss

13 messages...

Dear Friend

Dear Friend,

There are many things I would love to say to you but I can't. There are so many stories and anecdotes I'd like to share but you don't want to hear. Sometimes I feel I have to be protective of you because I feel you are naive. I really do appreciate your friendship and at times its been hard. I'm not the easiest person in the world to be friends with but I try hard to be a good friend. I am loyal to a fault, I don't hold grudges not matter how bad the argument, and whenever you need me I'll be there.

I'm angry at not only the decisions you have made but your backseat approach to things. I'm disappointed at your anger being directed towards me who perhaps I haven't been the most approachable and supportive person through this but I have been there for you.

Yes, this is your problem. Yes, this is your mistake. Yes, these are things I encourage because I do think its important to make mistakes and live with them and learn from them. Yes, this is something that happened between two people and a third party should not be involved.

I tend to not apologize for things I have said. I am not one to take words back because in retrospect you will see they weren't harsh, the things said were true. But if you need an apology I will only do this once because I care. I hate to admit it but I do. I care about your well being and your mental health. I care that you have a people that will always be there for you. I don't see things eye to eye with you right now and that frustrates me, which includes harsh criticism. I'm sorry for things that were out of line but I do not apologize for my opinion on the matter.

I don't want you to think because I apologized you have to accept right away. You may not think this acceptable and that is more than fine. Take your time, analyze the situation, and again learn from it. Like I said all things small and big are lessons learned. They're not mistakes they're choice you made and things you have to deal with.

Life isn't easy. Happiness doesn't come easy. Friendships, relationships, etc. are not easy. To have a great relationship you must work on it. To have a great life you must work on it. To figure yourself out, you have to make choices and learn from them.

I'm sorry I judged you harshly.

I'm frustrated. I'm upset. I'm irrational.

Take for what its worth. I'll be here if you need me.

Your friend,

Ximena

Yet another blog about the same crap...

I've come to wonder when did I start becoming such a sap. I think there was a time in my life where I found things other than relationships more important. I remember thinking about my career, my future, my friends as the top of my list. Now they seem to be no where to be found and there is this obsession with relating to someone, finding some common ground, sharing experiences, communicating, loving, etc. It used to not be important. It used to not be a big deal. I used to not think of this excessively. What happened?

I've always been the girl people can relate to. I'm funny, easy going, and don't care too much what people think. I don't have a filter. These days I don't feel like myself that much and I feel I'm becoming a person I don't want to be. I remember a time where I loved to just have fun. Yeah, girls love attention and love attention from a guy. Yes, we're attention whores and I hope everyone agrees. We liked to be recognized and held on the highest of pedestals. We liked to be courted, we like guys to flirt with us and compliment us. We love every little bit of that attention even if its coming from an unwanted source.

Lately it hasn't been that easy. I mean I get complimented and oogled or whatever the case but its been hard to find a person that actually likes me. I feel I have maybe developed a front of not wanting to get involved. I feel every time I get involved with someone I get destroyed and I don't want to get hurt anymore. That's all. Well, that and the fact that getting a response from a guy is impossible. I have to call them. I have to track them down. I have do work. When did this change? I mean before I was the one getting calls, texts, emails, etc and now I'm the one putting in all this effort for what? For a night of lets kiss on the couch or half ass date.

Where have all the good guys gone? Where are the guys who want to call me during their lunch break? Where are the guys who want to call me to say goodnight? Where are the guys who don't mind playing video games with me?

I want to feel what I've felt in the past. I want to replicate it. I want that feeling back. As for now I will put up my front of not caring enough to make any quasi relationship not work I will pretend it means more than it does. I will also continue to focus on how I have failed at every relationship I have ever been in.

Something has to change. Maybe instead of looking for what I should be replacing I should look to see what I'm missing and prioritize things. Or maybe...I'll just continue as things are and blogging.

Facebook: A love-hate affair

Sometimes I sit and I realize the number of hours spent on Facebook. I get up and I get ready, eat breakfast, and go to class, I get bored in class I log into Facebook. I'm at work, its slow I have no one to talk to I go on Facebook. I'm again in class bored, back on Facebook. I get a text or an update on my phone that someone wrote something on my wall I log into Facebook.

Facebook. Facebook. Facebook. What would I be doing if you weren't around to suck the rest of my life with dumb status updates, pictures, relationships statuses and more. I sometimes wonder if you work for me or against me? As of lately I call it my creeping activity. I get so bored I check up on old flames, old friends, and my favorite activity of the week defriending, its the ultimate power on Facebook. The tragedy with all this is yes, Facebook lets you know how you're friends are doing and reconnecting with old ones you haven't spoken to in awhile but Facebook has become an obsession. I don't think its healthy to "creep" on crushes and see if anyone has written on their wall. I don't think its healthy to post all the pictures of that one party you went to last week. As I don't think its important to put personal information, relationship status, and pertain to updates we don't care what you are doing for the rest of the day so please don't tell me that "So and So is working out, getting coffee, getting ready, going to school, going to work, oh boy its going to be a hard day" because frankly I don't give a fuck. I also don't care how much you love your partner and you don't need to be broadcasting it on Facebook because honestly no one cares you miss someone you just saw 5 minutes ago and that you care for them with all your heart. Its bullshit. Yes, Facebook has now set up privacy settings, has found away to eliminate things like peoples updates you don't want to read but I don't have the time to customize every single person.

I'm tired of being a Facebook stalker.

I'm tired of status updates showing me peoples ignorant views.

I'm tired of creepy friend requests.

I'm really tired of spam notifications.

I'm tired of new layouts.

I'm tired of how everything is broadcast over Facebook.

I'm tired of Facebook.

The funny thing is as much as I hate it, I love it. I love that I'm going to post this blog and people will comment. Yet another love/hate relationship in my life.